Jefferino

Hello, friends! Welcome to this very special ONE HUNDREDTH blog post. How momentous and exciting! I feel like there should be fireworks. Here we are.

I'm not sure why or how they are ejecting directly out of Big Ben,
but everything about this gif pleases me. I dig it to infinity.

I knew I was getting close to this point, and I wondered what I could ever write about that would be important enough because it seems like a big deal for some reason. Fortunately I happen to have something really awesome to talk about, so get super ready! 

Let me tell you about this clown:

His name is Jeff and he is my brother. Technically, he's Josh's brother, but I mostly against the term "in-law"
these days, as I mentioned last time. I love all my brothers so much, but right now I just want to talk about Jeff.

I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that Jeff and I have a special bond. It's probably just me. He's probably reading this right now and rolling his eyes at how cheesy and dorky that sounds. (Hi, Jeff!) Regardless, I believe it to be so.

The first time I ever saw him was when I went down to the Robisons' for Nate's farewell. I say "saw" and not "met" because I never actually spoke to him or was introduced the entire time we were there. He hid in his room and I assumed it was because he was in high school and obviously way too cool for his brother's friends. I did get to meet and hang out with the two youngest brothers, and I liked them instantly. They were in middle school and easier to impress, I guess.

But when I started dating Josh, and went to officially meet the family, I was already a little worried about the oldest brother at home, and whether he would acknowledge my presence this time.

It turned out he was just bummed about a basketball game that first weekend, because he was super friendly and not at all scary like I imagined! He was funny and goofy and officially declared that I was okay after I was a little too sarcastic with him. It was a great moment of triumph.

It didn't take long for me to realize that this was a really special kid. Yes, he does have a great talent for driving you up the wall (don't even say anything about being old around him, or he'll speak in an old grandpa voice the rest of the day) and making lots of jokes, but it is astounding how kind and full his heart is.

He's just a really unique person in many ways. He is a star athlete and it is so fun to watch him play any sport. It was the most fun to watch all the boys play basketball together, with the older brothers helping the younger ones to develop their skills, while also just beating up on each other. Jeff told a story at Josh's funeral about the first time he beat Josh in a game of one on one. I remember that game. I didn't even watch that game, but I remember how upset Josh was the rest of the day. He was always crazy proud of his little brother, and all he had grown up to be.

At our wedding, we didn't have a big reception line because we didn't feel like everybody coming in needed to talk to a huge group of people in a family they didn't know. At the reception in Flowell, it was the same. Here was the line: Me and Josh, my parents, his parents, and Jeff. Nobody asked him to stand with us, but he wanted to greet everybody and talk to all of them. I don't even know what character trait this is, but it's something that always stuck out in my mind.

He has always been super nice to me. So have all the Robisons, of course. You can tell that he just really cares about people. If he feels his friends need him, he is there in a second, even if it's just to sit with them while they're sad. That's probably why every high school student I meet likes him so much.

I always feel really protective of him, and I brag on him probably way too much. (Did you know he was nominated to be a McDonald's All-American in basketball?) We have a super cool handshake, and he doesn't even make me feel dumb for thinking that it's super cool. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, and I'm always reminding him that I'm here for him if he wants to talk. I think he thinks I'm a lunatic when I say that, because he's like, "ok..." He's obviously really strong, and I probably need his help way more than he needs mine.

He loves Logan so much. It just warms my heart every time I see them together. Before basketball games, he would never come over and talk to us, because he was too busy getting in the zone, I guess. The last few games when we've been there, he rushes over to hold his nephew and play with him before he has to go get changed. If that doesn't seem special, I don't know what does.

He is the one of the closest people to the spirit that I have ever met. He is always amazing me with the things he says and the insight he has. Many people got to see that side of him when he spoke at Josh's funeral. Lots of people have told me since then how impressed they were with him, like they couldn't even believe an eighteen-year-old kid could have such a great understanding of the gospel. I was and always am so proud of him.

In October of 2012, President Thomas S. Monson announced that they were changing the age that young men could go on missions from 19 to 18, provided they were graduated from high school. As soon as Josh and I heard that, we thought about Jeff. We knew he would be excited, and as soon as Josh called him he said, "I'm ready to go." He's has had a one track mind since that announcement. What was a little frustrating for him was that he turned 18 in August right as his senior year was starting, so he still had to wait a pretty long time to go, but he's been doing everything he can to prepare and be ready to serve as soon as he is graduated. Anyone who knows him knows how ready he is to serve and spread the gospel.

Yesterday, Jeff was called to the Mexico, Mexico City mission. I can not stress this enough. I am so proud of him. I believe the people of Mexico are the luckiest people on the planet to be able to meet him and learn from him. While it makes me pretty sad, because I'm going to miss him like crazy, I know, and so does he, that going on a mission is the absolute best place for him to be. He's going to love it and they're going to love him.

Jeff, you are one of my heroes. You probably don't even know how much you inspire and teach me every day. I am so honored to call you brother. Thank you for being you.

A letter to my Valentine

Dear kind wonderful Josh,

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you and miss you so much and I want to tell you why.

I love your smile.

I love that explosive laugh you sometimes did when you thought something was really funny.

I love that you think I'm really funny and I love that you're really funny too.

I love that you were always willing and so happy to hold my hand. Even if you were driving your Jetta and had to steer and shift with one hand which wasn't super safe, but it was super cute.

I love that you gave it your all when you sang in the car and would sing sappy, sweet love songs to me.

I love that I didn't even have to ask you to do something, all I had to do is mention I wanted something done and you would do it.

I love how you were always kind and generous and thoughtful and just wanted to make me so happy.

I love that "I love you" was such a major part of all our conversations.

I love that we had this conversation many times started by either one of us:
1:I love you!
2:I love you too!
1:No you don't understand. I LOVE you!
Because it was so frustrating to have all this love and joy and light and wonder in your heart for someone and only have those three small words to convey it, like they're not enough!

I love that sometimes you got irritated with my family when you thought they were teasing me too much. (Sorry, family)

I love that you love my family.

I love that my family loves you. They love you so much they don't want to call you brother-in-law, just brother, because they don't want to put that distance between you.

I love that I feel the same way about your family.

I love that it's like we weren't allowed to freak out at the same time. If you were concerned about what we would do for money, I would feel do calm and confident when I told you it would be all right. And then an hour later, I would be like, "no wait, what DO we do for money?!" And you would totally calm me down and reassure me it would be okay.
These days I do a lot of freaking out, but I know you're making sure we'll make it.

I love how you were really nervous about being a dad, but only because you wanted to do a really great job.

I love how when you held our son, you could tell how much you loved him and how happy you were.

I love how you always looked at me like you were so lucky to be with me and like you won the lottery, which is crazy because obviously I was the luckiest one.

I love you, Josh. I am so happy to be yours.

Your Valentine forever and always,

Erica

P.S. I love you.
P.P.S. No, you don't understand. I LOVE you.

Logan Joshua

Let me tell you about this concerned little dude.

First of all, I was trying really hard to catch him smiling in this picture.

So far in his life, he is very uncooperative.

Other things I've learned about him:
Favorite activity: eating or sleeping.
Least favorite activity: not eating or sleeping not in someone's arms.

It's weird that there's suddenly this human being who didn't even EXIST eight weeks ago, and now he's my main homeboy. And I like him a lot more than most people, I think, just based on how I let him treat me. Like take any of these situations and pretend it's not a person I created, and they wouldn't be my friend.

Dude, it's three in the morning! How 'bout let's sleep? No? All right then.

Are you trying to have a crying contest with yourself?

I got pooped on again.

I got peed on again.

He puked on me again. Like I don't even care.

It seems like such a miracle that I love him so much, but really it's not even hard at all. He's the best.

One smile from that kid, and you forget how hard it is every day to be a mom. Also, just being a mom is a magical thing. It makes me feel so important that I get to take care of this beautiful child. This morning my dad was holding him, and I walked into the room past him, and, guys, he turned his head to follow me around the room. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. Sometimes he's crying a lot, and he calms down just as he gets handed to me. How could that not make you feel so special? He's the cutest little guy that I have ever seen, and I am the most important person in the world to him. That's insanity.

Last of all, he's a little piece of Josh that gives to live and breathe and grow, and I am almost positive he will be just like his dad. He already doesn't know how to hold still ever.

This face. Am I right?

Pursuit of Happiness

So I read that article that was written about the 23 things you should do instead of getting engaged before you're 23. I have been debating with myself for a little while about whether I wanted to write about this subject publicly. I am definitely one who doesn't like to voice opinions too strongly. In the internet world, I like to take the role of Switzerland.

Originally, the post upset me, because I feel like there was nothing on that list that is better than getting married. But in the long run it just made me think. A lot. And I feel like if I've really been thinking about it that much, then I should just say what I have to say.

First of all, I am not here to convince anyone to get married at any certain age. The thing about people is that every single one of them is different. Some people are ready to get married when they are 18. Some aren't ready when they're 45. And while I would encourage marriage to anybody who asked me personally, because I believe that it brings happiness that you can't even comprehend until you experience it, I wouldn't try to push anyone into it.

Marriage is about love and trust. It's about two people putting their spouse's needs in front of their own. It's about learning how to listen and compromise and be more selfless than you've ever been before. One of my home teachers once told me something that I have always really loved. He said that when you're dating, you're allowed to be selfish. You don't have to compromise your standards or beliefs, and you don't have to keep dating somebody if you have an issue. But when you're married, you have to be selfless. You have picked this person, and they are your person. It is no longer time to be picky, and you have to love that person for everything that they are.

Basically, marriage is hard. And it's a challenge no matter how old you are when you get married. There is never going to be a magical time when both people are perfect and happy all the time. What's important is learning how to fix the problems that come instead of just giving up on them right away.

On a personal level, my wonderful husband was taken from me less than four months after turning 23.

I try not to have regrets or blame myself for anything that happened or anything I did. I tell myself that it was Josh's time to go, and nothing that I could have done would have saved him.

But one of my biggest heartaches still comes from a regret I have.
I wish every day that I could have met him sooner.
That I would have started dating him sooner.
That we would have gotten married sooner.
That I would have had more time with him.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I know I will be reunited with my husband. I know we will have more time than I can even comprehend to be together. But I was really hoping for a lot more time in this life.

So like I said, if you don't want to get married before you're 23, then don't.

But no matter what the cause or the reason, if you have a chance in this life to be truly happy, then I think you should cling to that happiness as hard as you can. You just never know what life might bring your way.

Love Story

My first date with Josh was in January of 2012. We went to Zupas and his hand was broken and it was a really fun time. But most people already know the part of the story where I wasn't really into him yet. 

But I did slowly start spending all my time with him, and never actually wanted to tell him I wasn't interested because I didn't want him to start spending time with anyone else.

Yeah...  I obviously wasn't into him.

I'm an idiot.

After a lot of confusion and ridiculous denial on my part, we officially started dating on March 18th. It was a Sunday, and it was after a long talk with my bishop. Cause I'm cool like that. That day I asked him to date me while we drove to my brother's house to hang out with my family. See, he was already spending time with my family. Did I mention I'm an idiot?

That Friday we went to his family's house for the weekend. The last time I met his family was at his brother Nate's farewell, and there were a million other friends there, and I wasn't super important because I was just one of many random friends. But I remembered them being nice. This weekend was obviously way different because it was just me, and Josh had been griping to his family for months about this super cool girl who wouldn't date him and what was her problem. 

When we got to his house, nobody was home. I promise we were very well behaved, but he did kiss me for the first time while we waited for somebody to get home. Immediately after that he told me he loved me. Then he asked if that freaked me out too much, and I was like, "Not too much." But in my head I was like 

But I didn't run away so yay!

We spent the day with his family and it was super fun. They loved me because of course :) Just kidding! But I did love them. And I still do.

That night we stayed up late talking about the future and what we wanted out of life and our goals with just so similar. I didn't feel stupid talking about whatever came to my mind and I felt so comfortable. Right before we said goodnight, something clicked in my mind. This boy was my very best friend. He was the kindest, sweetest, best guy who treated me better than any boy I ever dated or any friend I ever had. He cared for me so much and I felt that every day, which is probably why I always wanted to be around him. He was not the kind of person I ever imagined falling for, but that's just because he was everything that I needed, and it was so much better than I thought I wanted. I suddenly realized that I loved him too. It was scary and seemed crazy, but I told him. 

His face was perfect. It was so happy and so relieved and it made me laugh a little bit, but it was just such a sweet moment. I had been really worried when he told me he loved me because I wasn't sure how I felt. But Josh and I still joke about how I was so clearly oblivious to my own feelings, because I am pretty sure I loved him a lot longer than I knew.

And then the next day I told him I wanted to marry him, and then it was his turn to be freaked out. Good times.

I wanted to share this story because I think it shows Josh's character. He was so willing to love and care for anyone. He made everyone feel so special because when he was talking to you, you felt like the most important person in the world. I don't even know how I got so lucky to have him fall in love with me, but I am so glad that he did. 

How to Cope

I'm already conflicted over this post. 

I don't want to write it, but I do. 

I'm not sure how people will feel about me possibly sharing too much. But Josh was always encouraging me to write and saying how good I was at it. I don't know if he was right, but I know he would want me to keep doing things that I enjoy.

It's odd how everyday occurrences can change from perfectly normal to completely frustrating.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.

But sometimes I would like to tell somebody how I really do feel. How I am doing. 

So here's what I am doing to cope. I think I'm really nailing it.

1. First of all, I spend every second of every day missing Josh.

2. Lots of times I talk to Josh. When Logan is crying, I ask for help. I tell him I miss him. I ask him how his day is. I ask if he's around. I'm always hoping he's around. I think he is.

3. I want to see people and have visitors.

4. I want to avoid everyone.

5. Sometimes I laugh at something, and then I feel bad for laughing and start crying.

6. Sometimes I just feel sort of okay, and then I feel bad for feeling sort of okay and start crying.

7. Sometimes I feel miserable and start crying.

8. Pretty much any thought I ever have can make me start crying, good or bad. Because either I feel like if Josh was around he could help me deal with things better, or I think about how he would enjoy whatever I'm enjoying or laugh at whatever I'm laughing at, or I just wonder what he would say to me, or I wish he could be around to see our son, or anything at all ever.

9. Every once in a while I feel genuinely okay. I truly feel Josh around or I at least feel like he wants me to be happy so I try my hardest to be happy.

10. Every once in a while my heart physically hurts and I can't breathe.

11. Last night I watched a show about Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. It felt good.

12. I worry about how I will provide for my son,

13. I am still recovering from pregnancy, and don't feel great. But I know if I said out loud that I feel ugly, that Josh would get angry and tell me I'm beautiful. So I try really hard to tell myself I'm beautiful.

14. I try to be strong, and everybody tell me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. It's the trying that counts, I guess.

15. I pray that I can be all right. 

16. I have faith every day that I will see my Josh again. We will live together as a family.

17. I try to smile.

Lots of people have already told me this, but I've learned first hand that there is not a right way to deal. Lots of times I'm angry, and I think that Josh getting taken from me is stupid. But I try to feel better, and I try to do my best. Sometimes I shut down and I don't try very hard at all. I always do my best to take care of Logan.

I hate writing about feeling sad. I think it's been ingrained in the population that publicly sharing negative feelings just means you want people to feel bad for you. I regret ever thinking that about others. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to share that with others. That's what friends are there for. 

I am thankful for the strength I have received from others. I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for the blessings I have received. 

"Erica, how are you?"

The short answer is that I'm not okay. But I'm working on it.

Holly, Jolly

So I'm listening to Christmas music already. And I'm okay with that. Because it's joyful and merry and wonderful and Christmas is the best.

But also, I pretty much can't listen to this song anymore

without this image in my head.

And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
But I'm taking it as a positive.


Also here is the second pregnancy picture I have taken. It's not generally a great experience for me as it seems to be for other people.

32 weeks 5 days


I'm not on top of things.
And clearly I should have washed my mirror before I took it. Oh well. I did my best and that's all that matters.

Merry happy!