I don't want to write it, but I do.
I'm not sure how people will feel about me possibly sharing too much. But Josh was always encouraging me to write and saying how good I was at it. I don't know if he was right, but I know he would want me to keep doing things that I enjoy.
It's odd how everyday occurrences can change from perfectly normal to completely frustrating.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.
But sometimes I would like to tell somebody how I really do feel. How I am doing.
So here's what I am doing to cope. I think I'm really nailing it.
1. First of all, I spend every second of every day missing Josh.
2. Lots of times I talk to Josh. When Logan is crying, I ask for help. I tell him I miss him. I ask him how his day is. I ask if he's around. I'm always hoping he's around. I think he is.
3. I want to see people and have visitors.
4. I want to avoid everyone.
5. Sometimes I laugh at something, and then I feel bad for laughing and start crying.
6. Sometimes I just feel sort of okay, and then I feel bad for feeling sort of okay and start crying.
7. Sometimes I feel miserable and start crying.
8. Pretty much any thought I ever have can make me start crying, good or bad. Because either I feel like if Josh was around he could help me deal with things better, or I think about how he would enjoy whatever I'm enjoying or laugh at whatever I'm laughing at, or I just wonder what he would say to me, or I wish he could be around to see our son, or anything at all ever.
9. Every once in a while I feel genuinely okay. I truly feel Josh around or I at least feel like he wants me to be happy so I try my hardest to be happy.
10. Every once in a while my heart physically hurts and I can't breathe.
11. Last night I watched a show about Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. It felt good.
12. I worry about how I will provide for my son,
13. I am still recovering from pregnancy, and don't feel great. But I know if I said out loud that I feel ugly, that Josh would get angry and tell me I'm beautiful. So I try really hard to tell myself I'm beautiful.
14. I try to be strong, and everybody tell me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. It's the trying that counts, I guess.
15. I pray that I can be all right.
16. I have faith every day that I will see my Josh again. We will live together as a family.
17. I try to smile.
Lots of people have already told me this, but I've learned first hand that there is not a right way to deal. Lots of times I'm angry, and I think that Josh getting taken from me is stupid. But I try to feel better, and I try to do my best. Sometimes I shut down and I don't try very hard at all. I always do my best to take care of Logan.
I hate writing about feeling sad. I think it's been ingrained in the population that publicly sharing negative feelings just means you want people to feel bad for you. I regret ever thinking that about others. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to share that with others. That's what friends are there for.
I am thankful for the strength I have received from others. I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for the blessings I have received.
"Erica, how are you?"
The short answer is that I'm not okay. But I'm working on it.
I love this! Thank you for your example and strength. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteOh Erica. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are so incredible. Thank you for sharing this and for being amazing.
ReplyDeleteI love you a million red m&m's, forever and ever.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
ReplyDeletebeautiful.
ReplyDeleteI love you. Your are beautiful. And you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteJosh is right. You need to keep writing. You are beautiful. You such a great example of love, endurance, strength, and perspective to all of us. Thank you for writing and sharing.
ReplyDeleteKeep sharing Erica whether it be hard or easy, happy or sad, painful or joyful. Thank you.
ReplyDeletePERFECT
ReplyDeleteWonderful words! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Erica. Though you don't know me, I have followed your story. I feel like crying along with you. It seems like Josh was/is a very good young man, and I just bet it grieved him to leave you and baby Logan, too.
ReplyDeleteI hope you keep writing. None of us know when we may encounter a situation like yours, or close to yours. Though I have not lost a spouse, I have lost those close to me. After losing our oldest son at age 30, I grew weary of people telling me to be strong. I didn't feel like being strong. I was grieving. Then, someone wisely told me that it was okay to fall apart, for then I could have the experience of putting myself back together again. So, I did.
God bless you, dear Erica.
(I'm a lifelong friend of your grandpa Dwaine)
Erica, thank you so much for sharing this post with us. My sweetheart passed away 11 1/2 years ago. I have experienced all that you have shared this day, but I could never put them into words, mostly because I felt bad about my feelings or just didn't know how to express them without getting upset and crying. YOUR FEELINGS expressed here is exactly what I felt during the early years and to some degree still feel. I still cry a lot because I still miss him, but today I do cope, and I think I do it well. But never have I been able to put my feelings into words. THANK YOU for doing that with your message today. You are courageous, you are strong, and you have the gospel to guide you and comfort you! My prayer for you is all these things.
ReplyDeletePerfectly said. ((Prayers))
ReplyDeleteWHEN I LOST MY SON JACOB AT BIRTH THE BEST ADVICE I WAS GIVEN WAS A REMINDER OF THE SCRIPTURE THAT MEN ARE THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY. SO I PASS THIS ON SO YOU DON'T FEEL BAD WHEN YOU HAVE MOMENTS OF JOY. IT'S OKAY. AND IT'S OKAY TO CRY TOO. TO ME GRIEF IS LIKE THE OCEAN, EVER CHANGING, SOMETIMES STORMY SOMETIMES CALM.
ReplyDeleteErica, I can't even pretend to know what you're going through. As a good friend of Josh's, my heart goes out to you and Logan. All I can say is hold tight to what you know is true. Christ was born to be our friend and Holy Ghost is our comforter. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to be happy too. Thanks for sharing this. I hope my comments can help you in some way.
ReplyDelete5 years a go my son was taken from me. I am now raising his 5 children (2 are now Grown) I do understand. There are days I want to scream WHY and then I remember that we have been promised that if we endure and do the things we are supposed to we will be together forever in the Celestial Kingdom. My prayers are with you and you son as you go through the rough days. Remember that some people will just be happy to listen, hold you hand and be there for support. We all need to support one another.
ReplyDeleteErica,
ReplyDeleteI'm a friend of Josh and his family. I have never been through what you're going through and I don't know how you feel. I did work in Hospice for a few years and currently manage and care center and deal with families going through mourning. The one thing research suggests is that there is no right way to feel and that for some people it does take years of mourning to feel a lot better. It may be quite some time and it's OK to feel very angry, sad, lonely, upset, disappointed and hurt. It's normal to have those feelings. The Savior does offer peace and support. But there will be moments when you feel hurt and alone and angry in general. His peace will come according to His wisdom and your diligence in continuously seeking Him.
We will continue to pray for you in our family and we add our testimony to hundreds of others... That Father loves you and your family and that Jesus is His son and our Savior and that He will make it all OK in the end as long as you keep struggling along and doing your best. May His blessing of peace be yours,
Jeff C.
Think of you at least 3 times a week with your new little boy, your parents are in our ward and our thoguhts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteVery inspiring, to even strangers. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteErica, Its ok to grieve. It's not like it was 2 years ago... it was 2 weeks ago. Take the time to heal. Cry as much as you need to. Embrace God and let him comfort you. I just keep telling myself that Josh HAD to have been needed on the other side for God to have taken him so soon. But I do know this as well. Josh would want you to be happy. You will always miss him. you'll never get over that. He is your love. so cry and be mad and talk to your close friends and family, let them help you through this. Then, when you think about it, remember that Josh would want you to be happy and take joy in Logan and the person he will become. Be happy for josh when you feel like you can handle it. I'm glad you posted this. It think Josh would have appreciated it. And, sweet girl, you are beautiful! You and I have met only a few times, but Josh was like a brother to me when we lived closer to each other, and darling, he picked a gorgeous girl to marry! Good luck to you on this journey. I am still praying for you and Logan!
ReplyDelete~ J.R.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and inspiring. A lot of people who you know, barely know (like me), and don't even know are praying for you. Thank you for strengthening our faith simply by enduring. As someone who has been through hard times, I know we can't assign a reason to them, but I also know that good does come from every difficulty if we let it. Thank you for letting it.
Erica
ReplyDeleteI've never had the opportunity to meet you, but I went to school with Josh. From what I've heard from you through this heart wrenching ordeal, I've come to see that Josh made a great decision in choosing you as his wife. You have got to be one of the strongest women and your thoughts have touched my life. Your faith and love of the gospel is inspiring. Know that I am praying for you and your son. I have no doubt Josh is right there with you, doing all he can to help you through this day by day. He wants you to laugh and be happy, so never feel guilty for that. Those will slowly become easier for you to embrace. Although you will never stop missing Josh, those memories of him will become a comfort to you. I can't imagine what you're going through, but know you have the support of your loved ones and friends as well as many people whom you've never met. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you so much for sharing.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I went to school with Logan's grandpa, Jaren. I think I meat Josh only once for a brief moment, but if he is anything like his dad he is a good man. How are you? The burring question, well I have a degree in Psychology and when I have someone who is experiencing a loss as deep as your's I tell them to tell it like it is if you can manage. You have hit it on the head as you so profoundly put it, but If you can not manage it, I have encouraged others to use the words "I am doing better" it conveys a message that you are working on it one day at a time because time will help as you have probably been told many times. Your weighting about how you feel will help you and may help others as well. God bless you and your family.
Our prayers are with you. Ask for help. If you're still in Provo, we'd be more than happy to give it. You don't know me, but I knew Josh and I think I met you once on campus. We love you and are here to help.
ReplyDeleteI have this strong feeling that your husband married you because he had such a strong witness that you were one strong and amazing woman and wanted you to be his wife and his children's mother. I'm pretty sure that he still absolutely believes in you. I'm pretty sure that when your son is making the same choices his daddy made at his age, he is going to say, "My mom is one strong and amazing (and honest) woman!" Thanks for your strength and honesty!
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in our thoughts and prayers. I am a friend of Dustin who is a friend of Josh's. We have kept you in our constant prayers and will. I wish we could do more.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to say thank you for writing this and saying it like it is. I agree with all you have shared and know that others who are grieving will benefit from what you have expressed. I have never had a loss like yours and I don't know what to say except I am so sorry.
Erica,
ReplyDeleteKeep writing and sharing your thoughts and feelings. You and Logan continue to be in our prayers. Josh would be so very proud of you. You are beautiful!!!
Erica, please continue to write your thoughts and feelings. Josh must be so very proud of you... You and Logan continue to be in our thoughts and prayers everyday.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful!!!
Sending lots of love your way.
Thank you for being honest. You know, I think this ought to be made available in counseling offices for others who are grieving & people who want to understand &/or be their friend.
ReplyDelete