Facebook messages and calls have become more of a rarity. People don't feel the need to tell me they're thinking about me as often. That's not to say that I think people aren't thinking about me. And they don't need to be sending me messages either. It's just a new phase.
I see my friends and family continuing with their lives. Moving forward because that's what life is. It doesn't ever stop. But I can't help feeling left in the dust. I want to say, "Hold on! Wait for me; I need more time. Can't we all just take a breather?" My loved ones can't just put a pause on their pregnancies or their new jobs or growing up. People won't stop getting married, and, as hard as I may try, I can't just stop them from living their lives. And while I don't actually want them to, sometimes I think I'm probably missing a lot.
It's been almost three months, and that just seems like a tiny, tiny amount of time for me. But so many things have happened and so much is going to continue to happen. And life will continue to level out for everyone around me. And life will continue to never be normal for me ever again.
My mom came into my room today and asked me why I was crying. I just sort of looked at her because really? "I mean is there something specific that happened, or is it the usual?" Well specifically, the love of my life is gone, and I miss him like crazy. That will never not break my heart.
My sweet Logan was blessed in church today by his uncle Nate. It was beautiful and one of the first big moments in my son's life. It was a happy moment and so devastating at the same time. Every major and minor stepping stone in his life will be riddled with bittersweet feelings of happysad crylaughs. I will always wish that Josh is there with us. And he physically can't be (although, I'm sure he will be with us in a different way). It just . . . It just sucks. A lot. And I'll never get over it, and it will always be there at the front of my mind.
It's good to see people progressing. It's good to know that life goes on and that those I love can find joy and have adventures. I'm just not ready for it myself.
But I wasn't ready for any of this. No amount of preparation would have made me ready. And life isn't about being ready. Sometimes it's not even about tackling problems that's you're not ready for. Sometimes you feel like you're trying to walk through the thickest mud. But you pick up one stupid foot and put it in front of the other. Thinking that as long as you don't stay still, you've reached your goal. You don't even know where you're going yet or how you're going to get there, but you're going.
It doesn't matter where you are on the mountain, as long as you keep climbing.
Thanks for posting this post. For the honesty and the sensitivity to the pain that is felt with love and loss. I am sorry for your loss. Sorry you have to have so many happy/sad moments and the truth is as you said...there will be many...and crying is a really one of those things that will just happen. I have not lost a spouse but I have lost a child and parents and it sucks. I haven't crawled out of my grief and really don't know how and people do just live and go on with life, as they should. But I feel stuck. The questions of "how are you?" are the hardest....really....how do people expect you to feel and especially when the common answers of "im good" and "im fine" really don't work. Thanks for writing. I wish I had something to say that would help....maybe I am a rambling mess too! ;)
ReplyDeleteGosh, I'm serious when I say this, please write a book. You're way to eloquent for blogs. Good luck Erica, I hope it stops hurting soon.
ReplyDeleteThis absolutely shattered my heart. I don't know you, but I know that you are a beacon for strength to MANY MANY people. I know that no amount of verbal affirmations will help you feel better, especially from someone who is a stranger, but then again, there's not much that will help you feel better. Except the hope and faith you have. There is nothing harder than losing someone you love more than life. Absolutely nothing. But you will get through it. You will. Just let yourself be sad. There is no time limit on the grieving process. It is ok to be upset. Just keep holding onto the idea that death isn't the final stage. Sometimes that may be the only thing to get you through...but you WILL get through it. Sending you all my love and all my prayers (and I'm not even a pray-er. ;) haha) You will be OK. <3 Keep on keepin on.
ReplyDeleteErica, you don't have any idea who I am, but I grew up with your dad in Ohio. I have watched your story unfold, and it has broken my heart. I know it has taken great courage to even wake up each day, especially when you probably just feel like burrowing under the covers.
ReplyDeleteErica, you are living every woman's nightmare. The things that have happened to you are the things we hope and pray happen to none of us.
God bless you, dear Erica. God bless you.
I don't know if you remember me, I was your activity days leader a long time ago in NC. I don't know if you ever learned anything from me, but I sure have learned a lot from you and your family and how you have dealt with this tremendous loss. My heart has been aching for you from the east. Your little one is so fortunate to have you as his mom. Keep on putting one stupid foot in front of the other - You will make it!
ReplyDeleteI think of you almost everyday . When I think of my mom I think of you. My mother had a five year old 17 month old and was 7 months pregnant when her husband and the five year old died in a tractor accident. I wasn't born till years later, but I would ask her about her husband and her little girl she told me she miss them everyday still bet knew that she would find happiness another day and at least she had two children to love. She did not become a member of the church until I was married and had children then just two years before she passed she got her endowments, so I can only imagine the joy she must have had at that meeting to see her daughter and husband again. What got her to the hard times and she told me she had two children to live for and that someone had to do the dishes, the laundry, feed the children and to be strong. Just knowI see that you have tremendous strength, and faith.funny how you said you feel like your feet are stuck in mud that's how my mom would describe her sorrow then her two children she had what do something to make her smile or laughand the mud would fall off but she would get stuck in it again feeling sorry for herself but she said she found joy every single day with those children. Yes she remarried and had more children including me.thoughts and prayers be with you everyday
ReplyDeleteHi, Erica. I'm Josh's great aunt Kelly's daughter-in-law. And I just love his family so much. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to be you right now, and my heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteAbout three years ago, I had a baby who passed away shortly after he was born, from a rare form of dwarfism. I remember this stage, when somehow the world keeps turning, even though yours feels like it stopped. And I remember that, as much as I knew people really cared, they weren't me and it was a little hard to accept that everyone else could pretty much carry on with life while I was still so hurt.
I think you are amazing and I appreciate the thoughts you have been so willing to share. I hope you will feel comfort and feel the love and concern from people you've never even met.
Hey Erica, I'm not sure you remember me, but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts daily! You have gone through so much, and I can't help but admire your strength and courage. It's okay to be sad and to cry and to grieve. Like Brittney said, there's no time limit for the grieving process. But when you are feeling especially low, remember that there are strangers (or, perhaps in my case- random people you only met once:) that are praying and care about you. Hang in there, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteEspecially because my husband has a chronic medical condition, you have been in my heart and thoughts everyday for the past couple of months. I can't even barely begin to fathom what I would do/how I would react if anything happened to my husband, especially because I have a son on the way, now. My mom and I both believe that you are one of the strongest people we have ever met. You are a shining example. I know Josh is proud of you and Logan will grow up with a wonderful mom. He'll want to find a woman just like you to marry.
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