How to Cope

I'm already conflicted over this post. 

I don't want to write it, but I do. 

I'm not sure how people will feel about me possibly sharing too much. But Josh was always encouraging me to write and saying how good I was at it. I don't know if he was right, but I know he would want me to keep doing things that I enjoy.

It's odd how everyday occurrences can change from perfectly normal to completely frustrating.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.

But sometimes I would like to tell somebody how I really do feel. How I am doing. 

So here's what I am doing to cope. I think I'm really nailing it.

1. First of all, I spend every second of every day missing Josh.

2. Lots of times I talk to Josh. When Logan is crying, I ask for help. I tell him I miss him. I ask him how his day is. I ask if he's around. I'm always hoping he's around. I think he is.

3. I want to see people and have visitors.

4. I want to avoid everyone.

5. Sometimes I laugh at something, and then I feel bad for laughing and start crying.

6. Sometimes I just feel sort of okay, and then I feel bad for feeling sort of okay and start crying.

7. Sometimes I feel miserable and start crying.

8. Pretty much any thought I ever have can make me start crying, good or bad. Because either I feel like if Josh was around he could help me deal with things better, or I think about how he would enjoy whatever I'm enjoying or laugh at whatever I'm laughing at, or I just wonder what he would say to me, or I wish he could be around to see our son, or anything at all ever.

9. Every once in a while I feel genuinely okay. I truly feel Josh around or I at least feel like he wants me to be happy so I try my hardest to be happy.

10. Every once in a while my heart physically hurts and I can't breathe.

11. Last night I watched a show about Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. It felt good.

12. I worry about how I will provide for my son,

13. I am still recovering from pregnancy, and don't feel great. But I know if I said out loud that I feel ugly, that Josh would get angry and tell me I'm beautiful. So I try really hard to tell myself I'm beautiful.

14. I try to be strong, and everybody tell me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. It's the trying that counts, I guess.

15. I pray that I can be all right. 

16. I have faith every day that I will see my Josh again. We will live together as a family.

17. I try to smile.

Lots of people have already told me this, but I've learned first hand that there is not a right way to deal. Lots of times I'm angry, and I think that Josh getting taken from me is stupid. But I try to feel better, and I try to do my best. Sometimes I shut down and I don't try very hard at all. I always do my best to take care of Logan.

I hate writing about feeling sad. I think it's been ingrained in the population that publicly sharing negative feelings just means you want people to feel bad for you. I regret ever thinking that about others. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to share that with others. That's what friends are there for. 

I am thankful for the strength I have received from others. I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for the blessings I have received. 

"Erica, how are you?"

The short answer is that I'm not okay. But I'm working on it.

Holly, Jolly

So I'm listening to Christmas music already. And I'm okay with that. Because it's joyful and merry and wonderful and Christmas is the best.

But also, I pretty much can't listen to this song anymore

without this image in my head.

And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
But I'm taking it as a positive.


Also here is the second pregnancy picture I have taken. It's not generally a great experience for me as it seems to be for other people.

32 weeks 5 days


I'm not on top of things.
And clearly I should have washed my mirror before I took it. Oh well. I did my best and that's all that matters.

Merry happy!

Itchy Woman

People keep asking me what my due date is.
And I go "Well..."

I didn't think it was going to be a complicated answer, and it's really not, but I feel obligated to explain it every time I'm asked and then I feel like I'm confusing everyone. It's like when people ask me where I'm from. I have an answer, but it's longer than people expect and they probably don't care that much about my life if they're just barely meeting me.

"Well actually my dad was in the Army, so I'm not really sure where I'm from. We moved around a lot. I was born in California, but I only lived there until I was four months old ... "

And they're thinking they're sorry they asked, and why don't I just pick a place and stick with it. But I don't feel like that's honest, and it bothers me when people think I'm from Virginia, when there are so many other places I have called home.

It's like that.

My due date is January 1st. New Years baby! So exciting!

But this baby is definitely coming in December. Somewhere in the 10th-17th range. Known to Josh as finals week. Which makes it that much more awesome.

At the end of September, I started feeling really itchy. There was one night when it kept me up for a little while. It was annoying, but I didn't think much of it.

It got worse. Another night I don't even remember sleeping. Josh wakes up at 5:30am to get ready to teach Seminary, and I woke up with him, practically in tears over how itchy and uncomfortable I was.

I still thought it was nothing. Being itchy doesn't seem like anything to fuss over. But Josh is smarter than me and he made me call the doctor. I told them what was going on, and they said to come in right away and get lab work done for something called Cholestasis, which I discovered—with the help of Google—was a liver disease. So that sounded terrifying.

We did the lab work on a Thursday, and the following Monday I was diagnosed with the scary liver disease. They explained that it meant that my body produces bile acids that should be handled and gotten rid of by my liver and gall bladder, but they weren't working properly. So I have too much acid. Which means the baby can have too much. Which means nothing good. And also means that the acids get into my blood stream and make me itchy, which is pretty weird.

I was prescribed medicine to help with the itching, and sent to a perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) to make sure everything was going okay. 

I found out that I would have to start doing non stress tests at 32 weeks (which has now been changed to 30 weeks (just because that's what my doctor decided)) and would probably be induced somewhere around 37 to 38 weeks. Obviously, it something is wrong at one of my tests, or I notice the baby isn't moving, he would come right away. But essentially, we will just need to monitor him and make sure everything is fine. Once I deliver, it will go right away. The baby should be fine.

It's all very scary to me. It makes me very nervous. It doesn't help that I have an increased chance of C-section because it's my first baby. I am constantly worried that things are okay. I start freaking out when I haven't been paying close attention and can't remember the last time he kicked me. Sometimes I'm super itchy still and that makes me anxious too.

BUT. I truly believe that everything will be okay. The baby will be fine. I will be fine. I have felt many moments of peace and trust in the Lord. I have overwhelming comfort and support from my husband and my family, and I know things will work out. 

I know that it would have been easier for me to write about this later, when I have that sweet boy in my arms and know that he is doing well. In hindsight it is easy to bear testimony about things working out. But I feel that it takes a lot of courage for me to say right now that I have faith that things will work out. That I know even if something terrible happens, that there is a plan for us laid down by Heavenly Father. I am very sure that I will be able to raise my boy in this life, but if I'm not so lucky, I know we will be together again for eternity. 

I have felt very close to my Heavenly Father lately. I know He is with me and watching over me and my baby. President Thomas S. Monson said in General Conference two weeks ago, "Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change." 

Our Deepest Fear

I just joined my wife's blog and I hope that I can add some more uplifting and inspiring messages to her already wonderful blog. Understanding and eliminating fear has been on my mind a lot recently.

We are held back by #fear not #limitations. #BeFearless #FalseEvidenceAppearingReal #BelieveInYourself… http://t.co/SurUp3MCYC
— Max Lora (@MaxGFXGenius) June 4, 2013

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking #ElderHolland #LDSconf
— LDS Quotes (@LDSquotable) October 5, 2013

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about SHRINKING

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give

other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our FEAR,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Feelings of #inadequacy are just #feelings, unless you give them #validity. Wade thru ur #emotions b4 they drown u. #BraveHearts #NoFear
— Fior Baptiste I (@ForEvrHuStLR) October 7, 2013

When all is said and done, if none of this helped you with fear please remember THIS.

Big, HUGE news (but not really)

So Josh and I have decided on the next step in our relationship.

It's a pretty huge deal.

Life changing even.

I've asked Josh to be an author on this blog. I will give you a moment to take in the news.

...

Okay, you should be good now. I am so excited! Maybe that way there will ever be posts on here. But also, his first post is one he has to do for school, so if it seems kind of crazy, just try not to fly too far off the handle. But it should be good anyway because he's wonderful.

Also, be nice to him all the time always.

Also General Conference was so good, you guys! The Church is true and we have a prophet on the earth! What kind of news is that to hear? Best kind.

I'm turning into such a sap

I don't have a scanner.

This is a picture of the ultrasound picture that I took with my super high quality (not) phone. 

I do not think that takes away from how adorable I think this baby is. 

I'm sure most everyone in the world looks at this picture and sees a blurry, black and white blob mostly, with some distinguishing features that proves it's human. I'm pretty sure that's how I saw most every picture like this before it was my own.

But that's MY baby.

That's my baby BOY.

I love him so much! And he's this little person that can already make me laugh even though it seems impossible that he would even have a personality yet.

Look at him rubbing his eye like, "what are you even doing out there, crazies? I'm trying to sleep!"

I laughed every time the ultrasound tech said he wouldn't stay still because have you met Josh?

And when she tried to zoom up on his face he kept diving away and hiding behind his arm because have you met Josh?

This kid is definitely a little Robison.

Yes, I know, he doesn't even weigh a whole pound yet, how could he possibly be doing any of these things of purpose? How could he be consciously avoiding a camera that I'm sure he doesn't know is there?

But I'm the mom, and I'm allowed to think that he's special.

Happy almost anniversary, self!

Even though I tried to point it out last time, it seems like people are confused about the disappearance of my blog. If you will notice by looking at the address bar, I have changed the URL. If you by any chance like me enough that you have my old address saved in some kind of bookmark capacity, then for one thing, you are great, for another, you need to re-save it. Thanks a million!

Things I Learned from BYU seemed like an okay hit, but I haven't been in school for OVER A YEAR. You would think I would have more time to write on this thing now. Well I do, but I haven't, so there you go.

I have been wanting to write something for a many moons, but those moons weren't telling me what to write about, so I kept avoiding it. The only subject I could come up with was "What I've been up to lately lol."

I added the lol to convey just how stupid I think it sounds. Especially when it would consist of me saying I go to work, and I sit around trying to think of fun things to do and end up not doing them. And of course watching too many TV shows, many of which I'm too embarrassed to say I watch (I'm looking at you, Melissa & Joey). 

But I finally had an idea pop into my head, and it's coming with great timing, as my first wedding anniversary is in six days (!!!!!) So here we go, ba budda bum bum ba BA! (That's my big reveal music)

Things I've Learned from Being Married! (so far, because seriously there's a lifetime of lessons to learn)

1. I like to cook, but I'm not allowed to let it stress me out.

When we first got married I was always trying to make a new meal every night. I wanted to make fancy dinners that were super impressive all the time. Here's the thing: that's expensive, and we're poor. And I couldn't always think of things to make and sometimes I was tired, and I thought I was failing already. Then I realized something magical, Josh will eat anything. And he'll eat it several days in a row. And he will tell me the food is wonderful no matter what. And then every once in a while I can make a big nice dinner and we all rejoice. Yesterday we had bbq pork ribs, mashed potatoes, green beans, and sticky buns. Boo ya.

2. Dealing with money is way different.

You would think that combining the paychecks of two people would make you feel so rich! You would be wrong. The last time I went to the mall without informing anyone, and bought clothes or shoes or even a soft pretzel was before I was married. Now I have to worry about whether I need new clothes. We have to think about whether we can afford to go out to eat. We contemplate whether that last college textbook is really necessary, and then grumble because that one isn't really our choice. But we're saving up money, and learning how to be responsible. I'm finally sort of almost getting the hang of grocery shopping. It's my biggest challenge. 

3. Josh is in school, I am not. It is difficult.

Sometimes I'm like, "Hey let's go do something!" And then Josh is like, "I can't." And I'm like "okay."

4. Lots of times, Josh says "What do you want to do/ where do you want to eat/ what do you want to watch?" and I say "I dunno" and then his brain explodes. Because I always want him to decide. And that's not fair. Still working on that.

5. A really hard lesson for me to learn: Close my computer, turn off the television, and spend quality time with my husband. Sometimes we just get lazy or boring and it's those times when it's the most important to not ignore each other and try to talk and have fun. 

6. Josh is the nicest. 

If I happen to casually mention that I'm thirsty, he will get me a drink. He will sit on the floor so I can take up the whole couch. He will wear his headphones while watching Burn Notice so I don't have to listen to it. He is always so considerate and wonderful to me, and it's my very favorite lesson that I love to relearn every day.

I will probably have to have another segment of this, but for now I am done. I am feeling kind of self conscious because I feel like this is not a very good post. But I've written it and I'm going to publish it and that's that.

Here is some insurance that people will be excited about it. And it's a reward for getting to the end of the post. And it's another explanation for why I haven't been writing anything on here because I was afraid I was going to say something I wasn't supposed to. But now I can so here we go:

We're having a baby! 

I'm so excited! Josh is so excited! I'm due January 1st, which is super crazy! This is as exciting and creative of an announcement as I am capable of making! yay!

Food-based trust issues

I like to think that I'm a pretty good cook, and have had success in making most things I set out to make, many recipes coming from Pinterest. But sometimes I think Pinterest is like a person that pretends to be your friend that really isn't (often referred to as "frenemy," but definitely not by me (and they mostly don't exist in my life or the lives of people I know (because that's weird when you're an adult and people should just be nice (unless they're websites (yeah, this many parenthetical happenings right now))))). Sorry that was a little out of control. It's okay if you didn't follow that, wasn't that important anyway.

So Pinterest is all, "Hey, Erica, check out this sweet recipe for a single serving chocolate chip cookie. Doesn't it look soooo yummy?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, P! It totally does!" I can give websites nicknames if I want. And then I make it and I'm not sure how I turned these totally normal cookie ingredients into a spongy cardboard, but, by golly, I did.

Tonight I tried to make baked chocolate pudding. Somebody played a cruel joke on me. What came out of the oven over an hour after the allotted bake time was a far cry from the drool-inducing picture on the website. Shall we compare?

Recipe full of deceit and lies:

Doesn't it look heavenly? So gooey and scrumptious and perfect for ... eating. Obviously.















What I made:

This crap. There's not much more I want to say about it. Okay there's one more thing I want to say about it.
How is it possible for something to be burnt ... yet completely underdone? This was not my fault. I don't do this. Pinterest lied to me. The recipe was really vague too. "Put it in fairly deep dish bleh bleh bleh." Plus it's from a British person so the bake temp was in Celsius. But I definitely had it at the right temperature, so don't even think it was my fault. It wasn't my fault. Okay, I guess I had more than one thing.


The whole night was not completely ruined because I made chicken rolls and they were so delicious. Go me.

Also, I found this picture and so I will share it!

It's from Christmas day, so don't judge the slight messiness. Josh will be mad at me for posting a picture of him. And he's drinking a water bottle, so not incredibly exciting. But look! It's our Christmas tree! It's huge! It makes a mockery of our pitiful amount of lights/ornaments. But it's beautiful and we loved it and miss it very much. Our first married Christmas tree!

Need to jump in the cold

Josh and I have been married for half a year! While compared to most any other couple besides the Kardashians, that is not incredibly impressive, it is still the longest I have been married and I find that to be pretty awesome. I already mentioned on Facebook today that our reception was crashed by so-called "starving" students whose only known source of food is at the happiest day of random strangers' lives. Most of that day, to be perfectly honest, was a big blur, but there are a few moments that I remember that I thought I might share.

And while I hope nobody would ever assume this, let me just put out there right now that there will be nothing inappropriate mentioned, so don't even have that thought in your brain. Here we go.

1. I did my mom's hair on my wedding day. Obviously I woke up at a ridiculously early hour because sleeping was unthinkable at this point. I tried to take a million-year shower, and I still had all the time in the world to sit around and wait. My beautiful, new friend, Jillyn came to do my hair and did an amazing job and was funny and freaked out with me a little bit which I appreciated. Then my beautiful, old (as in I've known her for soooo long) friend and bridesmaid Renee came and did my make up so I looked super incredible. I still had, like, hours until it was time to go, and I didn't want to just sit and do nothing, so I did my mom's hair. It just seems like a weird thing for a bride to do on her own day, but I was happy to do it and my mom was happy to have straight hair.

2. When Josh got to the temple, I felt like he was acting SUPER WEIRD. I wanted him to be all excited, but it just seemed like he wouldn't look me in the eye and he was being all ridiculous. He got better though. Weirdo.

3. It was psycho windy outside the temple! which made for great pictures and also crazy... windy-ness. Oh well.

4. Once pictures were done and everything at the temple was over, Josh and I went to the Cafe Rio near our old apartment complex. I kept feeling like we were going to run into somebody we knew and how weird would that be to be like ... well we're married now. And here we are getting pork burritos.

5. I did not do a great job of breaking in my shoes, and my feet were KA-hilling me!

6. The day before we got married, I had dinner at Village Inn with my family and everybody said nice things about me and it was wonderful and my grandma made me cry and it was all great.

7. The day before we got married, Josh fell of a ladder and a hammer fell on his head. Yeah.

That's just a few things that stick out to me, other than seeing all the wonderful people that I love and being so happy with all of them. I am so thankful for that day and for the best person in the world that I married. First six months down, rest of eternity to go! Yay!

Also, this happened, and my dad and I thought it was hilarious, and nobody else seemed to appreciate it. Whatever, we're funny.