I don't want to write it, but I do.
I'm not sure how people will feel about me possibly sharing too much. But Josh was always encouraging me to write and saying how good I was at it. I don't know if he was right, but I know he would want me to keep doing things that I enjoy.
It's odd how everyday occurrences can change from perfectly normal to completely frustrating.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.
But sometimes I would like to tell somebody how I really do feel. How I am doing.
So here's what I am doing to cope. I think I'm really nailing it.
1. First of all, I spend every second of every day missing Josh.
2. Lots of times I talk to Josh. When Logan is crying, I ask for help. I tell him I miss him. I ask him how his day is. I ask if he's around. I'm always hoping he's around. I think he is.
3. I want to see people and have visitors.
4. I want to avoid everyone.
5. Sometimes I laugh at something, and then I feel bad for laughing and start crying.
6. Sometimes I just feel sort of okay, and then I feel bad for feeling sort of okay and start crying.
7. Sometimes I feel miserable and start crying.
8. Pretty much any thought I ever have can make me start crying, good or bad. Because either I feel like if Josh was around he could help me deal with things better, or I think about how he would enjoy whatever I'm enjoying or laugh at whatever I'm laughing at, or I just wonder what he would say to me, or I wish he could be around to see our son, or anything at all ever.
9. Every once in a while I feel genuinely okay. I truly feel Josh around or I at least feel like he wants me to be happy so I try my hardest to be happy.
10. Every once in a while my heart physically hurts and I can't breathe.
11. Last night I watched a show about Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. It felt good.
12. I worry about how I will provide for my son,
13. I am still recovering from pregnancy, and don't feel great. But I know if I said out loud that I feel ugly, that Josh would get angry and tell me I'm beautiful. So I try really hard to tell myself I'm beautiful.
14. I try to be strong, and everybody tell me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. It's the trying that counts, I guess.
15. I pray that I can be all right.
16. I have faith every day that I will see my Josh again. We will live together as a family.
17. I try to smile.
Lots of people have already told me this, but I've learned first hand that there is not a right way to deal. Lots of times I'm angry, and I think that Josh getting taken from me is stupid. But I try to feel better, and I try to do my best. Sometimes I shut down and I don't try very hard at all. I always do my best to take care of Logan.
I hate writing about feeling sad. I think it's been ingrained in the population that publicly sharing negative feelings just means you want people to feel bad for you. I regret ever thinking that about others. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to share that with others. That's what friends are there for.
I am thankful for the strength I have received from others. I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for the blessings I have received.
"Erica, how are you?"
The short answer is that I'm not okay. But I'm working on it.
