Bizarro Quick Sand

I'm sitting here staring at this empty page trying to figure out what to say. And by that of course I mean that I'm sitting here looking at funny pictures on the internet while simultaneously imagining that I'm staring at the empty page trying to figure out what to say.

I always feel guilty when people send me funny pictures because I guarantee you that I've seen it already, so I just don't know how to react. I try to fake a jolly guffaw, but it just never comes out right. Maybe guffaw isn't what I should be going for. That being said, anybody who ever wants to send me a funny picture should still do it! It's like my favorite gesture of all. "Hey, I just saw this really hilarious thing that made me blow air out of my nose harder than usual, and it made me think of you, and now I'm sharing it with you BECAUSE I CARE." Funny pictures are like the flowers of the internet. Funny pictures are the funny pictures of the internet. That makes a lot more sense in my head.

Internet pictures are also informative, by the way. Basically all of my knowledge about Orlando Bloom throwing a punch at Justin Bieber came in picture form. Also, this was pointed out to me:

And I appreciate whoever thought of it.

I have no idea why I have been talking about this so long. I guess I'm just a little sick of writing about sad things on here and bringing everybody down. But I want to talk about sad things, so I'm easing you into it maybe.

It's been a crappy week. Many of you already know that it was my anniversary on Monday, which was actually a surprisingly not so bad day. I went to the temple, and got my nails done, and went to dinner and a movie with my friends. We saw the Fault in Our Stars, because I apparently I just wanted to see approximately how many tears my body could physically handle. It's a lot. But it still felt good to just get it all out.

So I had people around me all day, and that was great, and I focused on the positive. But at the end of the night I was still alone on my anniversary without my husband. And the next day I was alone. And I'm still alone. And you may be surprised to learn that it still really sucks.

This is one of those times when I find it's the most important to just keep going, even if it is the smallest, tiniest bit. For a couple days there I got stuck, and I started shutting down again. I sat around and wallowed. And nothing makes things worse than wallowing. I don't think it will be a huge shock to discover that I have struggled a bit with depression after Josh died. Things have already gotten so much better, but it's just inevitable to feel that suffering after losing someone you love.

I see my depression as something like quick sand, but also kind of the opposite of quick sand. But I don't want to call it slow sand because that doesn't really make much sense either. It's like the Bizarro world Superman but for quick sand. Bizarro Quick Sand. I call dibs on copyrights if that ends up being a comic book villain some day. I feel as though there is this thing in the pit of my heart that is my sadness. And it's never going to go away, and there will always be times when I feel it. And that's okay. But if you sit in the sand for too long and dwell on it and relent and stress over it and think and think and think about it, trying to bring reason to it or figure out what you could have done differently, then before you know it your head is in the ground and you can't breathe. And I've heard that breathing is pretty good for your health. Sometimes it's healthy for me to think about what happened to Josh. I like to remember our last moments together. But in the past, all I did was blame myself for everything that happened. I felt like every single bad moment, and every single trial, were brought about because I either didn't act or acted wrong.

I don't think that anymore. I still struggle with it, but I tell myself all the time that if there was anything that could have been done to save Josh, he would have been saved. It's not my fault. It's not anybody's fault.

So instead of sitting in a pit of sand and letting it suffocate me, the only thing I can do is get up and brush it off. I just have to keep going. Sometimes I don't feel like I have anywhere to go, but I have to go anyway. It's okay for me to take a break. It's not bad to rest. It is bad to fall asleep. In the metaphor, I mean. Sleep is okay for realsies.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm trying to explain how depression is for everyone, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm trying to tell people who suffer with it that this is how to get over it. This is my situation. This is how I deal with what I have to deal with. The only person I want to explain is myself, and the only person I have authority over is me.

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me ever over the last seven and a half months. Every single word has been heard and appreciated.

And for reading all of that, I give you wise words from Ron Swanson. Don't try to read into any correlations between what I just talked about and what he's saying. It's just funny is all.

Double bonus! A picture of Logan and me! Full disclosure, my whole face was showing in this picture, but I wasn't feeling it.

Once upon a time there was a magical land where it never rained

The End!

Basically today is really horrible and bad and hard and stupid and sad and dumb and blergh.

So here are a bunch of dad jokes because they make me laugh so hard, so you should laugh so hard too. I can not guarantee that everything you might read will be 100% appropriate.

Click here for so much funny!


My dad's personal favorites: pirate jokes

Where does a pirate go to the doctor?
The CARRRdiologist
Why did the pirate go to the movie?

Because it was rated AAARRRR

What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You might guess it is AAR, but his first love be the C.

MY favorite right now:

Why doesn't Magneto wear purple anymore?
Because the days of fuchsia passed.

Troika Linda

I have serious and important things to write, but I'm in Flowell and don't have my computer. So I tried to write in on my phone and I want to use so many (at least four) pictures so that was a joke. Luckily there are computers in this house, who woulda thunk?

I know this girl

pretty well. I mean she's only been my sister my entire life, and she gave me my favorite stuffed animal (a big ol', cuddly mouse) for Christmas when I was two. So you could say we're familiar.


















When I was little, I didn't think there was a better goal in life than being just like her. I always tried my very hardest to spend all the time with her and her friends learning how to be the most awesome, and was promptly kicked out of the room. But it's okay, she liked me eventually. Coming to college and having her to hang out with and make me feel like I already had at least one friend, the coolest friend, helped me believe that I could handle what life had to throw at me.

Even now it's hard for me to not see her as the foremost authority on everything as far as how awesome it is. I remember having a conversation with my sweet sister-in-law Kimberly who had to tell me that very thing. Because obviously we were arguing about whether Taylor Swift was good, and obviously my best argument was that "Tracy likes her." (Tracy, do you even still like her?) And Kimbop was all, "Tracy isn't always right about everything" or something like that and I just laughed it off, but my mind had this reaction.



And I pretty much still just think that if Tracy likes something, it's probably the best version of whatever thing it is she likes. That sentence made sense.

She has the MOST style of anyone I've met. Even on days when she's thinks she's so lazy and looks like a hobo, she looks more put together than I am on my best day. It's pretty frustrating actually. Oh, and have you heard of her modeling career? It mostly takes place on social media, but it's pretty amazing just the same.

She's doing laundry in this one. How is that even fair??

But the most important thing is that she is a good sister who is kind and loving and wonderful. When Josh died, she hurt so much right along with me. She is still all the time telling me how much she misses him and is there  for me when I need her. She lets me be sad and cry at her and welcomes it. The first time after it happened that I laughed so hard I cried and felt comforted was with her watching The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. He had that Benjamin Buttons thing. It was the first moment that I felt like things had the potential to get better. I just love her is all.

I'm telling you all this for a reason. That reason is this:

My sister is getting married to this man and his beard. After everything I've said about how good her taste is and how awesome she is, do you think she was settle for any less than the best? He is so good for her. I can see how he loves her. I can see how she loves him. If he reads this, he is probably just gagging at all the cheesiness in what I'm writing. I don't even care, Destin! Thank you for loving my sister.Thank you for being the best person in the world for her. Thank you for writing your love in the sand, but using an anatomically correct heart.

The Catching Hunger Fire Games

I finally watched Catching Fire, and halfway through I remembered seeing the first Hunger Games movie.

I went to the midnight showing with my lovely friend Emily Zimmerman. It was the Thursday night/Friday morning after Josh and I started dating. He couldn't go because I had gotten the tickets before then and I had no idea that I would have somebody to take when the time came. As I have mentioned before, Josh told me he loved me that Friday when we went to his family's house. I had completely forgotten until about two hours ago that I had been up so late at a movie the night before.

We went to the movie, and it was great, and I was telling Emily all about this boy I was dating and somehow I had managed to smuggle a giant takeaway box (I like to say takeaway because of that one time I lived in England for six weeks) of Beto's rolled tacos into the theater. There was lettuce and guac everywhere.

On the way home, we were texting. I honestly can't remember if I texted him first, not expecting an answer, or if he texted me to see if I was okay. I do remember thinking how incredibly sweet he was to still be awake waiting up for me to make sure I got home safe. I was still telling Emily about him after the movie, and with him texting me, I looked over at my friend and said, "Emily... I think this kid loves me." And then she was like, "you've been dating for like four days." And I knew that, but it just felt like it was coming, and then we all know that it did.

So that's crazy.

For the next two minutes, it is five months ago today that Josh died.

People always say how strong I am and how amazing I've been through all of this blah blah blah.

I still believe all the things I've said before. I still know that I will see Josh again.

It's not helping at the moment.

It doesn't take away the pain.

I miss him very much.

And I am so, so sad.

Happy Easter?

Yesterday was a ridiculously hard day.

Usually I'm somewhat prepared, but this time is was just like, "Yay, Easter! Oh no so many emotions, so much heartache I can't breathe aaaaaaagggghhhh!"

You ever had that?

I am in Flowell again this weekend because I'm doing this experiment to see when the Robisons will finally tell me to go the heck home. It was stake conference, which I don't really know how to describe to people who don't know what that is. The best I can say is that multiple congregations in the same area get together and have a meeting and we have great speakers and it's wonderful. One speaker that came was telling a story about how he had an impression that he needed to go to the hospital because of chest pains, and he found out he needed a heart transplant. The night before another test to see how he was doing, he plead with Heavenly Father to be healed to raise his kids and be with his family, and the next day he was totally healed.

It's a beautiful story, isn't it?

CAN YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE HEARING IT?

I have never doubted my testimony or thought that The Lord had abandoned me because Josh wasn't healed. I don't understand why this happened, but I did understand that it was for a reason. But when I hear a story like that, I can't help but wonder and question. Did I not have enough faith? Could I have done something differently?

I had to actively reassure myself that just because we didn't get the miracle we wanted, it doesn't mean we did anything wrong. It doesn't mean we were less deserving of a miracle. The miracles we received are just a lot more difficult to see.

Another speaker mentioned Lazarus, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Boiled down version is that the two sisters of Lazarus told Jesus that Lazarus was sick, and eventually he died. When Jesus got to them, he had already been passed for four days. The sisters told Christ that if He had been there, He could have healed their brother.

Jesus went to the grave and called Lazarus to come forth, and he rose from the dead.

Before he healed Lazarus, the most meaningful moment I have read in the scriptures is captured:

Jesus wept.

Jesus. wept.

This man. The Son of God. A man with a perfect knowledge of the gospel and the eternities. A man who knew that He could heal His fallen brother wept.

I know that Josh and I will be together again. I know that his passing from this life does not make him gone from me forever, and I know that the time we lost here will be a mere minute when compared to eternity.

And that does not take away the pain of missing him now. That does not cancel out the grief I feel every day that he is not here.

So still I weep.

But because of Him, one day I will weep no more.

A nice kind of rant.

In the last few days, I have had talks with a couple of unnamed friends who have some unnamed, very difficult things going on in their lives. I listened to them, and felt with them, and loved them. I told one of them that I am always here to talk and would love to listen to her say what she needed to say if she wanted to. She did, and I was glad she shared with me, but she also mentioned beforehand that she didn't want to be insensitive to me.

I appreciate that very much, BUT

This is directed at absolutely anyone who wants to hear it. Please, PLEASE don't keep things from me if you don't want to because you think what I'm going through is hard enough. I'm not saying everyone out there wants to talk to me about things, but if you do, I don't mind at all. It is not insensitive. I still care about my friends.

I am so touched by people who tell me that they can do hard things because they see me do hard things. I am blown away by it, in fact, because I have never in a million years suspected that I would ever be any kind of role model for anyone. Especially now, when I often feel my world crumbling at my feet. .

There is no giant pot that holds all the emotion in the world. And because I'm using more than my usual share that means everybody else has to sacrifice a little of their share so that I can feel more than them. Nobody has to say, "Well Erica is being sad right now, so I am not allowed to feel bad about this thing going on in my life, and definitely not in her face."

My feelings do not take away from your feelings. My sadness does not affect your sadness. And I don't want anybody to think that I will not listen to their problems, or will listen, and just not care.

Dear, dear friends,

I care about you. I love you. I want to hear everything in your life all the time always. I just can't guarantee that you won't have to hear a little about me. :)

When things go back to normal

For everyone else, that is. 

Facebook messages and calls have become more of a rarity. People don't feel the need to tell me they're thinking about me as often. That's not to say that I think people aren't thinking about me. And they don't need to be sending me messages either. It's just a new phase.

I see my friends and family continuing with their lives. Moving forward because that's what life is. It doesn't ever stop. But I can't help feeling left in the dust. I want to say, "Hold on! Wait for me; I need more time. Can't we all just take a breather?" My loved ones can't just put a pause on their pregnancies or their new jobs or growing up. People won't stop getting married, and, as hard as I may try, I can't just stop them from living their lives. And while I don't actually want them to, sometimes I think I'm probably missing a lot.

It's been almost three months, and that just seems like a tiny, tiny amount of time for me. But so many things have happened and so much is going to continue to happen. And life will continue to level out for everyone around me. And life will continue to never be normal for me ever again.

My mom came into my room today and asked me why I was crying. I just sort of looked at her because really? "I mean is there something specific that happened, or is it the usual?" Well specifically, the love of my life is gone, and I miss him like crazy. That will never not break my heart.

My sweet Logan was blessed in church today by his uncle Nate. It was beautiful and one of the first big moments in my son's life. It was a happy moment and so devastating at the same time. Every major and minor stepping stone in his life will be riddled with bittersweet feelings of happysad crylaughs. I will always wish that Josh is there with us. And he physically can't be (although, I'm sure he will be with us in a different way). It just . . . It just sucks. A lot. And I'll never get over it, and it will always be there at the front of my mind. 

It's good to see people progressing. It's good to know that life goes on and that those I love can find joy and have adventures. I'm just not ready for it myself. 

But I wasn't ready for any of this. No amount of preparation would have made me ready. And life isn't about being ready. Sometimes it's not even about tackling problems that's you're not ready for. Sometimes you feel like you're trying to walk through the thickest mud. But you pick up one stupid foot and put it in front of the other. Thinking that as long as you don't stay still, you've reached your goal. You don't even know where you're going yet or how you're going to get there, but you're going. 

It doesn't matter where you are on the mountain, as long as you keep climbing.