Happy Easter?

Yesterday was a ridiculously hard day.

Usually I'm somewhat prepared, but this time is was just like, "Yay, Easter! Oh no so many emotions, so much heartache I can't breathe aaaaaaagggghhhh!"

You ever had that?

I am in Flowell again this weekend because I'm doing this experiment to see when the Robisons will finally tell me to go the heck home. It was stake conference, which I don't really know how to describe to people who don't know what that is. The best I can say is that multiple congregations in the same area get together and have a meeting and we have great speakers and it's wonderful. One speaker that came was telling a story about how he had an impression that he needed to go to the hospital because of chest pains, and he found out he needed a heart transplant. The night before another test to see how he was doing, he plead with Heavenly Father to be healed to raise his kids and be with his family, and the next day he was totally healed.

It's a beautiful story, isn't it?

CAN YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE HEARING IT?

I have never doubted my testimony or thought that The Lord had abandoned me because Josh wasn't healed. I don't understand why this happened, but I did understand that it was for a reason. But when I hear a story like that, I can't help but wonder and question. Did I not have enough faith? Could I have done something differently?

I had to actively reassure myself that just because we didn't get the miracle we wanted, it doesn't mean we did anything wrong. It doesn't mean we were less deserving of a miracle. The miracles we received are just a lot more difficult to see.

Another speaker mentioned Lazarus, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Boiled down version is that the two sisters of Lazarus told Jesus that Lazarus was sick, and eventually he died. When Jesus got to them, he had already been passed for four days. The sisters told Christ that if He had been there, He could have healed their brother.

Jesus went to the grave and called Lazarus to come forth, and he rose from the dead.

Before he healed Lazarus, the most meaningful moment I have read in the scriptures is captured:

Jesus wept.

Jesus. wept.

This man. The Son of God. A man with a perfect knowledge of the gospel and the eternities. A man who knew that He could heal His fallen brother wept.

I know that Josh and I will be together again. I know that his passing from this life does not make him gone from me forever, and I know that the time we lost here will be a mere minute when compared to eternity.

And that does not take away the pain of missing him now. That does not cancel out the grief I feel every day that he is not here.

So still I weep.

But because of Him, one day I will weep no more.