Happy Easter?

Yesterday was a ridiculously hard day.

Usually I'm somewhat prepared, but this time is was just like, "Yay, Easter! Oh no so many emotions, so much heartache I can't breathe aaaaaaagggghhhh!"

You ever had that?

I am in Flowell again this weekend because I'm doing this experiment to see when the Robisons will finally tell me to go the heck home. It was stake conference, which I don't really know how to describe to people who don't know what that is. The best I can say is that multiple congregations in the same area get together and have a meeting and we have great speakers and it's wonderful. One speaker that came was telling a story about how he had an impression that he needed to go to the hospital because of chest pains, and he found out he needed a heart transplant. The night before another test to see how he was doing, he plead with Heavenly Father to be healed to raise his kids and be with his family, and the next day he was totally healed.

It's a beautiful story, isn't it?

CAN YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE HEARING IT?

I have never doubted my testimony or thought that The Lord had abandoned me because Josh wasn't healed. I don't understand why this happened, but I did understand that it was for a reason. But when I hear a story like that, I can't help but wonder and question. Did I not have enough faith? Could I have done something differently?

I had to actively reassure myself that just because we didn't get the miracle we wanted, it doesn't mean we did anything wrong. It doesn't mean we were less deserving of a miracle. The miracles we received are just a lot more difficult to see.

Another speaker mentioned Lazarus, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Boiled down version is that the two sisters of Lazarus told Jesus that Lazarus was sick, and eventually he died. When Jesus got to them, he had already been passed for four days. The sisters told Christ that if He had been there, He could have healed their brother.

Jesus went to the grave and called Lazarus to come forth, and he rose from the dead.

Before he healed Lazarus, the most meaningful moment I have read in the scriptures is captured:

Jesus wept.

Jesus. wept.

This man. The Son of God. A man with a perfect knowledge of the gospel and the eternities. A man who knew that He could heal His fallen brother wept.

I know that Josh and I will be together again. I know that his passing from this life does not make him gone from me forever, and I know that the time we lost here will be a mere minute when compared to eternity.

And that does not take away the pain of missing him now. That does not cancel out the grief I feel every day that he is not here.

So still I weep.

But because of Him, one day I will weep no more.

A nice kind of rant.

In the last few days, I have had talks with a couple of unnamed friends who have some unnamed, very difficult things going on in their lives. I listened to them, and felt with them, and loved them. I told one of them that I am always here to talk and would love to listen to her say what she needed to say if she wanted to. She did, and I was glad she shared with me, but she also mentioned beforehand that she didn't want to be insensitive to me.

I appreciate that very much, BUT

This is directed at absolutely anyone who wants to hear it. Please, PLEASE don't keep things from me if you don't want to because you think what I'm going through is hard enough. I'm not saying everyone out there wants to talk to me about things, but if you do, I don't mind at all. It is not insensitive. I still care about my friends.

I am so touched by people who tell me that they can do hard things because they see me do hard things. I am blown away by it, in fact, because I have never in a million years suspected that I would ever be any kind of role model for anyone. Especially now, when I often feel my world crumbling at my feet. .

There is no giant pot that holds all the emotion in the world. And because I'm using more than my usual share that means everybody else has to sacrifice a little of their share so that I can feel more than them. Nobody has to say, "Well Erica is being sad right now, so I am not allowed to feel bad about this thing going on in my life, and definitely not in her face."

My feelings do not take away from your feelings. My sadness does not affect your sadness. And I don't want anybody to think that I will not listen to their problems, or will listen, and just not care.

Dear, dear friends,

I care about you. I love you. I want to hear everything in your life all the time always. I just can't guarantee that you won't have to hear a little about me. :)

When things go back to normal

For everyone else, that is. 

Facebook messages and calls have become more of a rarity. People don't feel the need to tell me they're thinking about me as often. That's not to say that I think people aren't thinking about me. And they don't need to be sending me messages either. It's just a new phase.

I see my friends and family continuing with their lives. Moving forward because that's what life is. It doesn't ever stop. But I can't help feeling left in the dust. I want to say, "Hold on! Wait for me; I need more time. Can't we all just take a breather?" My loved ones can't just put a pause on their pregnancies or their new jobs or growing up. People won't stop getting married, and, as hard as I may try, I can't just stop them from living their lives. And while I don't actually want them to, sometimes I think I'm probably missing a lot.

It's been almost three months, and that just seems like a tiny, tiny amount of time for me. But so many things have happened and so much is going to continue to happen. And life will continue to level out for everyone around me. And life will continue to never be normal for me ever again.

My mom came into my room today and asked me why I was crying. I just sort of looked at her because really? "I mean is there something specific that happened, or is it the usual?" Well specifically, the love of my life is gone, and I miss him like crazy. That will never not break my heart.

My sweet Logan was blessed in church today by his uncle Nate. It was beautiful and one of the first big moments in my son's life. It was a happy moment and so devastating at the same time. Every major and minor stepping stone in his life will be riddled with bittersweet feelings of happysad crylaughs. I will always wish that Josh is there with us. And he physically can't be (although, I'm sure he will be with us in a different way). It just . . . It just sucks. A lot. And I'll never get over it, and it will always be there at the front of my mind. 

It's good to see people progressing. It's good to know that life goes on and that those I love can find joy and have adventures. I'm just not ready for it myself. 

But I wasn't ready for any of this. No amount of preparation would have made me ready. And life isn't about being ready. Sometimes it's not even about tackling problems that's you're not ready for. Sometimes you feel like you're trying to walk through the thickest mud. But you pick up one stupid foot and put it in front of the other. Thinking that as long as you don't stay still, you've reached your goal. You don't even know where you're going yet or how you're going to get there, but you're going. 

It doesn't matter where you are on the mountain, as long as you keep climbing.

Jefferino

Hello, friends! Welcome to this very special ONE HUNDREDTH blog post. How momentous and exciting! I feel like there should be fireworks. Here we are.

I'm not sure why or how they are ejecting directly out of Big Ben,
but everything about this gif pleases me. I dig it to infinity.

I knew I was getting close to this point, and I wondered what I could ever write about that would be important enough because it seems like a big deal for some reason. Fortunately I happen to have something really awesome to talk about, so get super ready! 

Let me tell you about this clown:

His name is Jeff and he is my brother. Technically, he's Josh's brother, but I mostly against the term "in-law"
these days, as I mentioned last time. I love all my brothers so much, but right now I just want to talk about Jeff.

I feel like, and maybe it's just me, that Jeff and I have a special bond. It's probably just me. He's probably reading this right now and rolling his eyes at how cheesy and dorky that sounds. (Hi, Jeff!) Regardless, I believe it to be so.

The first time I ever saw him was when I went down to the Robisons' for Nate's farewell. I say "saw" and not "met" because I never actually spoke to him or was introduced the entire time we were there. He hid in his room and I assumed it was because he was in high school and obviously way too cool for his brother's friends. I did get to meet and hang out with the two youngest brothers, and I liked them instantly. They were in middle school and easier to impress, I guess.

But when I started dating Josh, and went to officially meet the family, I was already a little worried about the oldest brother at home, and whether he would acknowledge my presence this time.

It turned out he was just bummed about a basketball game that first weekend, because he was super friendly and not at all scary like I imagined! He was funny and goofy and officially declared that I was okay after I was a little too sarcastic with him. It was a great moment of triumph.

It didn't take long for me to realize that this was a really special kid. Yes, he does have a great talent for driving you up the wall (don't even say anything about being old around him, or he'll speak in an old grandpa voice the rest of the day) and making lots of jokes, but it is astounding how kind and full his heart is.

He's just a really unique person in many ways. He is a star athlete and it is so fun to watch him play any sport. It was the most fun to watch all the boys play basketball together, with the older brothers helping the younger ones to develop their skills, while also just beating up on each other. Jeff told a story at Josh's funeral about the first time he beat Josh in a game of one on one. I remember that game. I didn't even watch that game, but I remember how upset Josh was the rest of the day. He was always crazy proud of his little brother, and all he had grown up to be.

At our wedding, we didn't have a big reception line because we didn't feel like everybody coming in needed to talk to a huge group of people in a family they didn't know. At the reception in Flowell, it was the same. Here was the line: Me and Josh, my parents, his parents, and Jeff. Nobody asked him to stand with us, but he wanted to greet everybody and talk to all of them. I don't even know what character trait this is, but it's something that always stuck out in my mind.

He has always been super nice to me. So have all the Robisons, of course. You can tell that he just really cares about people. If he feels his friends need him, he is there in a second, even if it's just to sit with them while they're sad. That's probably why every high school student I meet likes him so much.

I always feel really protective of him, and I brag on him probably way too much. (Did you know he was nominated to be a McDonald's All-American in basketball?) We have a super cool handshake, and he doesn't even make me feel dumb for thinking that it's super cool. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, and I'm always reminding him that I'm here for him if he wants to talk. I think he thinks I'm a lunatic when I say that, because he's like, "ok..." He's obviously really strong, and I probably need his help way more than he needs mine.

He loves Logan so much. It just warms my heart every time I see them together. Before basketball games, he would never come over and talk to us, because he was too busy getting in the zone, I guess. The last few games when we've been there, he rushes over to hold his nephew and play with him before he has to go get changed. If that doesn't seem special, I don't know what does.

He is the one of the closest people to the spirit that I have ever met. He is always amazing me with the things he says and the insight he has. Many people got to see that side of him when he spoke at Josh's funeral. Lots of people have told me since then how impressed they were with him, like they couldn't even believe an eighteen-year-old kid could have such a great understanding of the gospel. I was and always am so proud of him.

In October of 2012, President Thomas S. Monson announced that they were changing the age that young men could go on missions from 19 to 18, provided they were graduated from high school. As soon as Josh and I heard that, we thought about Jeff. We knew he would be excited, and as soon as Josh called him he said, "I'm ready to go." He's has had a one track mind since that announcement. What was a little frustrating for him was that he turned 18 in August right as his senior year was starting, so he still had to wait a pretty long time to go, but he's been doing everything he can to prepare and be ready to serve as soon as he is graduated. Anyone who knows him knows how ready he is to serve and spread the gospel.

Yesterday, Jeff was called to the Mexico, Mexico City mission. I can not stress this enough. I am so proud of him. I believe the people of Mexico are the luckiest people on the planet to be able to meet him and learn from him. While it makes me pretty sad, because I'm going to miss him like crazy, I know, and so does he, that going on a mission is the absolute best place for him to be. He's going to love it and they're going to love him.

Jeff, you are one of my heroes. You probably don't even know how much you inspire and teach me every day. I am so honored to call you brother. Thank you for being you.

A letter to my Valentine

Dear kind wonderful Josh,

Happy Valentine's Day! I love you and miss you so much and I want to tell you why.

I love your smile.

I love that explosive laugh you sometimes did when you thought something was really funny.

I love that you think I'm really funny and I love that you're really funny too.

I love that you were always willing and so happy to hold my hand. Even if you were driving your Jetta and had to steer and shift with one hand which wasn't super safe, but it was super cute.

I love that you gave it your all when you sang in the car and would sing sappy, sweet love songs to me.

I love that I didn't even have to ask you to do something, all I had to do is mention I wanted something done and you would do it.

I love how you were always kind and generous and thoughtful and just wanted to make me so happy.

I love that "I love you" was such a major part of all our conversations.

I love that we had this conversation many times started by either one of us:
1:I love you!
2:I love you too!
1:No you don't understand. I LOVE you!
Because it was so frustrating to have all this love and joy and light and wonder in your heart for someone and only have those three small words to convey it, like they're not enough!

I love that sometimes you got irritated with my family when you thought they were teasing me too much. (Sorry, family)

I love that you love my family.

I love that my family loves you. They love you so much they don't want to call you brother-in-law, just brother, because they don't want to put that distance between you.

I love that I feel the same way about your family.

I love that it's like we weren't allowed to freak out at the same time. If you were concerned about what we would do for money, I would feel do calm and confident when I told you it would be all right. And then an hour later, I would be like, "no wait, what DO we do for money?!" And you would totally calm me down and reassure me it would be okay.
These days I do a lot of freaking out, but I know you're making sure we'll make it.

I love how you were really nervous about being a dad, but only because you wanted to do a really great job.

I love how when you held our son, you could tell how much you loved him and how happy you were.

I love how you always looked at me like you were so lucky to be with me and like you won the lottery, which is crazy because obviously I was the luckiest one.

I love you, Josh. I am so happy to be yours.

Your Valentine forever and always,

Erica

P.S. I love you.
P.P.S. No, you don't understand. I LOVE you.

Logan Joshua

Let me tell you about this concerned little dude.

First of all, I was trying really hard to catch him smiling in this picture.

So far in his life, he is very uncooperative.

Other things I've learned about him:
Favorite activity: eating or sleeping.
Least favorite activity: not eating or sleeping not in someone's arms.

It's weird that there's suddenly this human being who didn't even EXIST eight weeks ago, and now he's my main homeboy. And I like him a lot more than most people, I think, just based on how I let him treat me. Like take any of these situations and pretend it's not a person I created, and they wouldn't be my friend.

Dude, it's three in the morning! How 'bout let's sleep? No? All right then.

Are you trying to have a crying contest with yourself?

I got pooped on again.

I got peed on again.

He puked on me again. Like I don't even care.

It seems like such a miracle that I love him so much, but really it's not even hard at all. He's the best.

One smile from that kid, and you forget how hard it is every day to be a mom. Also, just being a mom is a magical thing. It makes me feel so important that I get to take care of this beautiful child. This morning my dad was holding him, and I walked into the room past him, and, guys, he turned his head to follow me around the room. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. Sometimes he's crying a lot, and he calms down just as he gets handed to me. How could that not make you feel so special? He's the cutest little guy that I have ever seen, and I am the most important person in the world to him. That's insanity.

Last of all, he's a little piece of Josh that gives to live and breathe and grow, and I am almost positive he will be just like his dad. He already doesn't know how to hold still ever.

This face. Am I right?

Pursuit of Happiness

So I read that article that was written about the 23 things you should do instead of getting engaged before you're 23. I have been debating with myself for a little while about whether I wanted to write about this subject publicly. I am definitely one who doesn't like to voice opinions too strongly. In the internet world, I like to take the role of Switzerland.

Originally, the post upset me, because I feel like there was nothing on that list that is better than getting married. But in the long run it just made me think. A lot. And I feel like if I've really been thinking about it that much, then I should just say what I have to say.

First of all, I am not here to convince anyone to get married at any certain age. The thing about people is that every single one of them is different. Some people are ready to get married when they are 18. Some aren't ready when they're 45. And while I would encourage marriage to anybody who asked me personally, because I believe that it brings happiness that you can't even comprehend until you experience it, I wouldn't try to push anyone into it.

Marriage is about love and trust. It's about two people putting their spouse's needs in front of their own. It's about learning how to listen and compromise and be more selfless than you've ever been before. One of my home teachers once told me something that I have always really loved. He said that when you're dating, you're allowed to be selfish. You don't have to compromise your standards or beliefs, and you don't have to keep dating somebody if you have an issue. But when you're married, you have to be selfless. You have picked this person, and they are your person. It is no longer time to be picky, and you have to love that person for everything that they are.

Basically, marriage is hard. And it's a challenge no matter how old you are when you get married. There is never going to be a magical time when both people are perfect and happy all the time. What's important is learning how to fix the problems that come instead of just giving up on them right away.

On a personal level, my wonderful husband was taken from me less than four months after turning 23.

I try not to have regrets or blame myself for anything that happened or anything I did. I tell myself that it was Josh's time to go, and nothing that I could have done would have saved him.

But one of my biggest heartaches still comes from a regret I have.
I wish every day that I could have met him sooner.
That I would have started dating him sooner.
That we would have gotten married sooner.
That I would have had more time with him.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I know I will be reunited with my husband. I know we will have more time than I can even comprehend to be together. But I was really hoping for a lot more time in this life.

So like I said, if you don't want to get married before you're 23, then don't.

But no matter what the cause or the reason, if you have a chance in this life to be truly happy, then I think you should cling to that happiness as hard as you can. You just never know what life might bring your way.