Happy Easter?

Yesterday was a ridiculously hard day.

Usually I'm somewhat prepared, but this time is was just like, "Yay, Easter! Oh no so many emotions, so much heartache I can't breathe aaaaaaagggghhhh!"

You ever had that?

I am in Flowell again this weekend because I'm doing this experiment to see when the Robisons will finally tell me to go the heck home. It was stake conference, which I don't really know how to describe to people who don't know what that is. The best I can say is that multiple congregations in the same area get together and have a meeting and we have great speakers and it's wonderful. One speaker that came was telling a story about how he had an impression that he needed to go to the hospital because of chest pains, and he found out he needed a heart transplant. The night before another test to see how he was doing, he plead with Heavenly Father to be healed to raise his kids and be with his family, and the next day he was totally healed.

It's a beautiful story, isn't it?

CAN YOU SEE WHY I MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE HEARING IT?

I have never doubted my testimony or thought that The Lord had abandoned me because Josh wasn't healed. I don't understand why this happened, but I did understand that it was for a reason. But when I hear a story like that, I can't help but wonder and question. Did I not have enough faith? Could I have done something differently?

I had to actively reassure myself that just because we didn't get the miracle we wanted, it doesn't mean we did anything wrong. It doesn't mean we were less deserving of a miracle. The miracles we received are just a lot more difficult to see.

Another speaker mentioned Lazarus, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. Boiled down version is that the two sisters of Lazarus told Jesus that Lazarus was sick, and eventually he died. When Jesus got to them, he had already been passed for four days. The sisters told Christ that if He had been there, He could have healed their brother.

Jesus went to the grave and called Lazarus to come forth, and he rose from the dead.

Before he healed Lazarus, the most meaningful moment I have read in the scriptures is captured:

Jesus wept.

Jesus. wept.

This man. The Son of God. A man with a perfect knowledge of the gospel and the eternities. A man who knew that He could heal His fallen brother wept.

I know that Josh and I will be together again. I know that his passing from this life does not make him gone from me forever, and I know that the time we lost here will be a mere minute when compared to eternity.

And that does not take away the pain of missing him now. That does not cancel out the grief I feel every day that he is not here.

So still I weep.

But because of Him, one day I will weep no more.

A nice kind of rant.

In the last few days, I have had talks with a couple of unnamed friends who have some unnamed, very difficult things going on in their lives. I listened to them, and felt with them, and loved them. I told one of them that I am always here to talk and would love to listen to her say what she needed to say if she wanted to. She did, and I was glad she shared with me, but she also mentioned beforehand that she didn't want to be insensitive to me.

I appreciate that very much, BUT

This is directed at absolutely anyone who wants to hear it. Please, PLEASE don't keep things from me if you don't want to because you think what I'm going through is hard enough. I'm not saying everyone out there wants to talk to me about things, but if you do, I don't mind at all. It is not insensitive. I still care about my friends.

I am so touched by people who tell me that they can do hard things because they see me do hard things. I am blown away by it, in fact, because I have never in a million years suspected that I would ever be any kind of role model for anyone. Especially now, when I often feel my world crumbling at my feet. .

There is no giant pot that holds all the emotion in the world. And because I'm using more than my usual share that means everybody else has to sacrifice a little of their share so that I can feel more than them. Nobody has to say, "Well Erica is being sad right now, so I am not allowed to feel bad about this thing going on in my life, and definitely not in her face."

My feelings do not take away from your feelings. My sadness does not affect your sadness. And I don't want anybody to think that I will not listen to their problems, or will listen, and just not care.

Dear, dear friends,

I care about you. I love you. I want to hear everything in your life all the time always. I just can't guarantee that you won't have to hear a little about me. :)