Pursuit of Happiness

So I read that article that was written about the 23 things you should do instead of getting engaged before you're 23. I have been debating with myself for a little while about whether I wanted to write about this subject publicly. I am definitely one who doesn't like to voice opinions too strongly. In the internet world, I like to take the role of Switzerland.

Originally, the post upset me, because I feel like there was nothing on that list that is better than getting married. But in the long run it just made me think. A lot. And I feel like if I've really been thinking about it that much, then I should just say what I have to say.

First of all, I am not here to convince anyone to get married at any certain age. The thing about people is that every single one of them is different. Some people are ready to get married when they are 18. Some aren't ready when they're 45. And while I would encourage marriage to anybody who asked me personally, because I believe that it brings happiness that you can't even comprehend until you experience it, I wouldn't try to push anyone into it.

Marriage is about love and trust. It's about two people putting their spouse's needs in front of their own. It's about learning how to listen and compromise and be more selfless than you've ever been before. One of my home teachers once told me something that I have always really loved. He said that when you're dating, you're allowed to be selfish. You don't have to compromise your standards or beliefs, and you don't have to keep dating somebody if you have an issue. But when you're married, you have to be selfless. You have picked this person, and they are your person. It is no longer time to be picky, and you have to love that person for everything that they are.

Basically, marriage is hard. And it's a challenge no matter how old you are when you get married. There is never going to be a magical time when both people are perfect and happy all the time. What's important is learning how to fix the problems that come instead of just giving up on them right away.

On a personal level, my wonderful husband was taken from me less than four months after turning 23.

I try not to have regrets or blame myself for anything that happened or anything I did. I tell myself that it was Josh's time to go, and nothing that I could have done would have saved him.

But one of my biggest heartaches still comes from a regret I have.
I wish every day that I could have met him sooner.
That I would have started dating him sooner.
That we would have gotten married sooner.
That I would have had more time with him.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I know I will be reunited with my husband. I know we will have more time than I can even comprehend to be together. But I was really hoping for a lot more time in this life.

So like I said, if you don't want to get married before you're 23, then don't.

But no matter what the cause or the reason, if you have a chance in this life to be truly happy, then I think you should cling to that happiness as hard as you can. You just never know what life might bring your way.

Love Story

My first date with Josh was in January of 2012. We went to Zupas and his hand was broken and it was a really fun time. But most people already know the part of the story where I wasn't really into him yet. 

But I did slowly start spending all my time with him, and never actually wanted to tell him I wasn't interested because I didn't want him to start spending time with anyone else.

Yeah...  I obviously wasn't into him.

I'm an idiot.

After a lot of confusion and ridiculous denial on my part, we officially started dating on March 18th. It was a Sunday, and it was after a long talk with my bishop. Cause I'm cool like that. That day I asked him to date me while we drove to my brother's house to hang out with my family. See, he was already spending time with my family. Did I mention I'm an idiot?

That Friday we went to his family's house for the weekend. The last time I met his family was at his brother Nate's farewell, and there were a million other friends there, and I wasn't super important because I was just one of many random friends. But I remembered them being nice. This weekend was obviously way different because it was just me, and Josh had been griping to his family for months about this super cool girl who wouldn't date him and what was her problem. 

When we got to his house, nobody was home. I promise we were very well behaved, but he did kiss me for the first time while we waited for somebody to get home. Immediately after that he told me he loved me. Then he asked if that freaked me out too much, and I was like, "Not too much." But in my head I was like 

But I didn't run away so yay!

We spent the day with his family and it was super fun. They loved me because of course :) Just kidding! But I did love them. And I still do.

That night we stayed up late talking about the future and what we wanted out of life and our goals with just so similar. I didn't feel stupid talking about whatever came to my mind and I felt so comfortable. Right before we said goodnight, something clicked in my mind. This boy was my very best friend. He was the kindest, sweetest, best guy who treated me better than any boy I ever dated or any friend I ever had. He cared for me so much and I felt that every day, which is probably why I always wanted to be around him. He was not the kind of person I ever imagined falling for, but that's just because he was everything that I needed, and it was so much better than I thought I wanted. I suddenly realized that I loved him too. It was scary and seemed crazy, but I told him. 

His face was perfect. It was so happy and so relieved and it made me laugh a little bit, but it was just such a sweet moment. I had been really worried when he told me he loved me because I wasn't sure how I felt. But Josh and I still joke about how I was so clearly oblivious to my own feelings, because I am pretty sure I loved him a lot longer than I knew.

And then the next day I told him I wanted to marry him, and then it was his turn to be freaked out. Good times.

I wanted to share this story because I think it shows Josh's character. He was so willing to love and care for anyone. He made everyone feel so special because when he was talking to you, you felt like the most important person in the world. I don't even know how I got so lucky to have him fall in love with me, but I am so glad that he did. 

How to Cope

I'm already conflicted over this post. 

I don't want to write it, but I do. 

I'm not sure how people will feel about me possibly sharing too much. But Josh was always encouraging me to write and saying how good I was at it. I don't know if he was right, but I know he would want me to keep doing things that I enjoy.

It's odd how everyday occurrences can change from perfectly normal to completely frustrating.
"Hi, how are you?" has become the most cringe-worthy phrase encountered by me or the speaker. As soon as it is uttered, whoever asks suddenly realizes it's probably not a great question, and I have no idea how to answer without completely overwhelming them.

But sometimes I would like to tell somebody how I really do feel. How I am doing. 

So here's what I am doing to cope. I think I'm really nailing it.

1. First of all, I spend every second of every day missing Josh.

2. Lots of times I talk to Josh. When Logan is crying, I ask for help. I tell him I miss him. I ask him how his day is. I ask if he's around. I'm always hoping he's around. I think he is.

3. I want to see people and have visitors.

4. I want to avoid everyone.

5. Sometimes I laugh at something, and then I feel bad for laughing and start crying.

6. Sometimes I just feel sort of okay, and then I feel bad for feeling sort of okay and start crying.

7. Sometimes I feel miserable and start crying.

8. Pretty much any thought I ever have can make me start crying, good or bad. Because either I feel like if Josh was around he could help me deal with things better, or I think about how he would enjoy whatever I'm enjoying or laugh at whatever I'm laughing at, or I just wonder what he would say to me, or I wish he could be around to see our son, or anything at all ever.

9. Every once in a while I feel genuinely okay. I truly feel Josh around or I at least feel like he wants me to be happy so I try my hardest to be happy.

10. Every once in a while my heart physically hurts and I can't breathe.

11. Last night I watched a show about Saturday Night Live and laughed a lot. It felt good.

12. I worry about how I will provide for my son,

13. I am still recovering from pregnancy, and don't feel great. But I know if I said out loud that I feel ugly, that Josh would get angry and tell me I'm beautiful. So I try really hard to tell myself I'm beautiful.

14. I try to be strong, and everybody tell me I'm strong, but I don't feel strong. It's the trying that counts, I guess.

15. I pray that I can be all right. 

16. I have faith every day that I will see my Josh again. We will live together as a family.

17. I try to smile.

Lots of people have already told me this, but I've learned first hand that there is not a right way to deal. Lots of times I'm angry, and I think that Josh getting taken from me is stupid. But I try to feel better, and I try to do my best. Sometimes I shut down and I don't try very hard at all. I always do my best to take care of Logan.

I hate writing about feeling sad. I think it's been ingrained in the population that publicly sharing negative feelings just means you want people to feel bad for you. I regret ever thinking that about others. It's okay to feel bad. It's okay to share that with others. That's what friends are there for. 

I am thankful for the strength I have received from others. I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for the blessings I have received. 

"Erica, how are you?"

The short answer is that I'm not okay. But I'm working on it.

Holly, Jolly

So I'm listening to Christmas music already. And I'm okay with that. Because it's joyful and merry and wonderful and Christmas is the best.

But also, I pretty much can't listen to this song anymore

without this image in my head.

And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
But I'm taking it as a positive.


Also here is the second pregnancy picture I have taken. It's not generally a great experience for me as it seems to be for other people.

32 weeks 5 days


I'm not on top of things.
And clearly I should have washed my mirror before I took it. Oh well. I did my best and that's all that matters.

Merry happy!

Itchy Woman

People keep asking me what my due date is.
And I go "Well..."

I didn't think it was going to be a complicated answer, and it's really not, but I feel obligated to explain it every time I'm asked and then I feel like I'm confusing everyone. It's like when people ask me where I'm from. I have an answer, but it's longer than people expect and they probably don't care that much about my life if they're just barely meeting me.

"Well actually my dad was in the Army, so I'm not really sure where I'm from. We moved around a lot. I was born in California, but I only lived there until I was four months old ... "

And they're thinking they're sorry they asked, and why don't I just pick a place and stick with it. But I don't feel like that's honest, and it bothers me when people think I'm from Virginia, when there are so many other places I have called home.

It's like that.

My due date is January 1st. New Years baby! So exciting!

But this baby is definitely coming in December. Somewhere in the 10th-17th range. Known to Josh as finals week. Which makes it that much more awesome.

At the end of September, I started feeling really itchy. There was one night when it kept me up for a little while. It was annoying, but I didn't think much of it.

It got worse. Another night I don't even remember sleeping. Josh wakes up at 5:30am to get ready to teach Seminary, and I woke up with him, practically in tears over how itchy and uncomfortable I was.

I still thought it was nothing. Being itchy doesn't seem like anything to fuss over. But Josh is smarter than me and he made me call the doctor. I told them what was going on, and they said to come in right away and get lab work done for something called Cholestasis, which I discovered—with the help of Google—was a liver disease. So that sounded terrifying.

We did the lab work on a Thursday, and the following Monday I was diagnosed with the scary liver disease. They explained that it meant that my body produces bile acids that should be handled and gotten rid of by my liver and gall bladder, but they weren't working properly. So I have too much acid. Which means the baby can have too much. Which means nothing good. And also means that the acids get into my blood stream and make me itchy, which is pretty weird.

I was prescribed medicine to help with the itching, and sent to a perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) to make sure everything was going okay. 

I found out that I would have to start doing non stress tests at 32 weeks (which has now been changed to 30 weeks (just because that's what my doctor decided)) and would probably be induced somewhere around 37 to 38 weeks. Obviously, it something is wrong at one of my tests, or I notice the baby isn't moving, he would come right away. But essentially, we will just need to monitor him and make sure everything is fine. Once I deliver, it will go right away. The baby should be fine.

It's all very scary to me. It makes me very nervous. It doesn't help that I have an increased chance of C-section because it's my first baby. I am constantly worried that things are okay. I start freaking out when I haven't been paying close attention and can't remember the last time he kicked me. Sometimes I'm super itchy still and that makes me anxious too.

BUT. I truly believe that everything will be okay. The baby will be fine. I will be fine. I have felt many moments of peace and trust in the Lord. I have overwhelming comfort and support from my husband and my family, and I know things will work out. 

I know that it would have been easier for me to write about this later, when I have that sweet boy in my arms and know that he is doing well. In hindsight it is easy to bear testimony about things working out. But I feel that it takes a lot of courage for me to say right now that I have faith that things will work out. That I know even if something terrible happens, that there is a plan for us laid down by Heavenly Father. I am very sure that I will be able to raise my boy in this life, but if I'm not so lucky, I know we will be together again for eternity. 

I have felt very close to my Heavenly Father lately. I know He is with me and watching over me and my baby. President Thomas S. Monson said in General Conference two weeks ago, "Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change." 

Our Deepest Fear

I just joined my wife's blog and I hope that I can add some more uplifting and inspiring messages to her already wonderful blog. Understanding and eliminating fear has been on my mind a lot recently.

We are held back by #fear not #limitations. #BeFearless #FalseEvidenceAppearingReal #BelieveInYourself… http://t.co/SurUp3MCYC
— Max Lora (@MaxGFXGenius) June 4, 2013

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking #ElderHolland #LDSconf
— LDS Quotes (@LDSquotable) October 5, 2013

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about SHRINKING

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give

other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our FEAR,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Feelings of #inadequacy are just #feelings, unless you give them #validity. Wade thru ur #emotions b4 they drown u. #BraveHearts #NoFear
— Fior Baptiste I (@ForEvrHuStLR) October 7, 2013

When all is said and done, if none of this helped you with fear please remember THIS.

Big, HUGE news (but not really)

So Josh and I have decided on the next step in our relationship.

It's a pretty huge deal.

Life changing even.

I've asked Josh to be an author on this blog. I will give you a moment to take in the news.

...

Okay, you should be good now. I am so excited! Maybe that way there will ever be posts on here. But also, his first post is one he has to do for school, so if it seems kind of crazy, just try not to fly too far off the handle. But it should be good anyway because he's wonderful.

Also, be nice to him all the time always.

Also General Conference was so good, you guys! The Church is true and we have a prophet on the earth! What kind of news is that to hear? Best kind.