Two things.
1. This has become a widow blog. Let's all just accept it.
2. This post is about Christmas. Buckle up.
As I write this, I'm listening to the Pentatonix holiday station on Pandora. I've been watching Hallmark Christmas movies since Friday (I would have been watching them before then, but they only just started). I've been reading sappy Christmas books for the most of the month. I know I'm one of those people that most of the world is annoyed by. "Don't overshadow the other holidays!" they scream at me as I walk past the Halloween costumes to buy Christmas pajamas for my son.
For the record, I've been watching Halloween movies too, and doing all kinds of fall activities. I love and am looking forward to Thanksgiving. But I like to start my Christmas cheer early. Just in case. I should probably explain.
For a few weeks now I have been thinking about the Christmas tree in our apartment three years ago. We lived in BYU housing, and they didn't allow real trees, so we went out in search of a fake one. Josh said he'd rather have no tree than I fake tree and I was adamant that we needed something because no tree is just depressing. The year before we lived in this converted house with weirdly tall ceilings- and had like an eight-foot tree that my father-in-law got straight out of the woods, so you can see why it would be a bit of a let down. Anyway we found a dinky little fake tree and strung lights on it before Thanksgiving and then let it sit because we weren't going to decorate until after. We're not monsters. But then Josh got sick and the tree was never decorated. I pretty much moved out right away after he was gone. When we were packing up I sat in the chair next to the tree and stared at the bare branches. Like it was mocking me. A perfect match for the bare holiday.
The year after that my most prominent memory is sitting with Logan on Christmas Eve just the two of us. I'm honestly not sure what we did. Hopefully I tried to make it festive, but I think I was too sad. Christmas Eve is one of my absolute favorites parts of the season, and we didn't even get to enjoy it. Logan got ridiculously sick and had this scary rash. His hands and feet turned purple. It was awful and I wasn't holding it together well. So everyone went to my brother's for Christmas Eve like usual, but there was a brand new baby and we didn't want to risk exposing her to whatever Logan had, so we stayed home. And then on Christmas day he wasn't up for a ton either, so opening presents wasn't very fun.
According to extensive research (Hallmark movies), I think when bad things happen to people over Christmas it tends to ruin the holiday. Maybe I'm wrong. You can let me know. But I still love Christmas, I'm just scared of it. The bar for Christmas has been significantly lowered in recent years. Basically if I never had to step foot in a hospital I consider it a success. Last year I started celebrating about as early as this year, and I kept saying it was to redeem myself for the last two years that were so bad. But I think it was more of a defense mechanism. If I start celebrating early, and Christmas is lousy, then at least I will have had some comfort and joy before it all fell apart. This year I've realized it's a bit of a tradition.
I don't really have plan for the end of this post. I'm not trying to get everything to celebrate like me, or feel happy, fluffy Christmas spirit all year round. I think after a few rough years I was a little worried I was getting bitter about the holidays, and I really didn't want that to happen. I promise I won't shove Christmas down anybody's throat though. And if you're a die-hard Halloween fan and you see me playing Christmas carols on my ukulele, please don't stick my head on a pike?
.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Miracle! (not the whip kind)
I've been thinking a lot about miracles lately. And blessings. I can't decide if they're the same thing. They're probably not, but also they kind of are. For example, is it a miracle that I'm writing again after a year and a half, or is it a blessing for all of you? Why not both?
My exhausted declaration that "it's just been one of those days" has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and I can't seem to shake it. All the while, I seem to be finding a multitude of opportunities to preach joy. "We can be happy in all our circumstances! The turmoil of the world shouldn't affect the peace we feel inside" I say before I go home and cry myself to sleep. Please just read that sentence and then keep going without thinking about it because I promise I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me. Let's move on!
So miracles. I've been pondering them lately, and I have been trying to remember the events surrounding Josh's death almost three years ago. It's actually a real scientific thingy that trauma can cause memory loss (yes, "thingy" is the technical term obviously). A month after he died, I went with my mom to a devotional where Elder Holland was the speaker, and I remember NONE OF IT. Elder Holland, you guys! Whilst in the middle of my grief and shock and having-a-newborn phase, I definitely didn't take much time to think about the miracles/blessings that occurred. I didn't even want to. Because I was mad and sad and also sort of a zombie who forgot how to think or smile. But now I feel like it. So here's a list! (I think making lists is genetic, and my mother has a serious case of it, so it's only natural I would too.
My exhausted declaration that "it's just been one of those days" has been going on for a couple of weeks now, and I can't seem to shake it. All the while, I seem to be finding a multitude of opportunities to preach joy. "We can be happy in all our circumstances! The turmoil of the world shouldn't affect the peace we feel inside" I say before I go home and cry myself to sleep. Please just read that sentence and then keep going without thinking about it because I promise I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me. Let's move on!
So miracles. I've been pondering them lately, and I have been trying to remember the events surrounding Josh's death almost three years ago. It's actually a real scientific thingy that trauma can cause memory loss (yes, "thingy" is the technical term obviously). A month after he died, I went with my mom to a devotional where Elder Holland was the speaker, and I remember NONE OF IT. Elder Holland, you guys! Whilst in the middle of my grief and shock and having-a-newborn phase, I definitely didn't take much time to think about the miracles/blessings that occurred. I didn't even want to. Because I was mad and sad and also sort of a zombie who forgot how to think or smile. But now I feel like it. So here's a list! (I think making lists is genetic, and my mother has a serious case of it, so it's only natural I would too.
- That we went to the hospital when we did (and that I have parents who told me we needed to). There are many things that I had to work through and go to therapy for to deal with the fact that Josh's death wasn't my fault. I still sometimes feel like it was, but those feelings happen way less often now. Progress! We went to the doctor more than once when he was sick, and of course it was just this crazy fluke disease that got very aggressive very quickly so it didn't get caught the first time around. Things still did not go in our favor, but I am still haunted by the thought that maybe we would have never gone and I would have just come home one day and would have found him and I can't think about this anymore.
- My stupid cholestasis that I stupid wrote about before any of this stupid happened that got stupid quoted back to me all the time. I hope you all got that because I'm not rewriting it to make it clearer. Basically, having a liver disease that could potentially affect my baby scared the crap out of me, but in the end I had to deliver three weeks early, and Josh got to meet Logan. Miracle!
- I happened to meet with the right doctor before going in to deliver. I went to a practice where you could see any of the doctors there depending on your visit. There was one who didn't think we needed to deliver as early as we did. Thank goodness for Dr. Broberg being all, "no we're definitely going three weeks early." You the man.
- Bonus to that one. When I went in two days before I had Logan, I explained the whole situation and I was very much under the impression that he was adamant about delivering while Josh was still in the hospital. Later I discovered that he thought it was me who was really adamant about it. I feel like that is one of those tiny miracles that you don't really notice but ends up being huge.
- Our nurses. These beautiful and hardworking saints got me through the hardest time of my life. They all deserve raises,
- My parents living in Utah (and taking me in). I can't even imagine what I would have done if my parents had decided to retire to Hawaii. They of course didn't even hesitate to let me live with them and they have done more for me than I can even begin to articulate. Just know that I'm shedding tears as I write this.
- Logan. When he was born he was the greatest baby on the block. He was a seriously good baby who came to the world easy and was pretty much just super chill for a good few months there. And even now he is just my very favorite person. He is full of light and hope and I look at him and it makes me whole.
- I'm not putting this last one in bold because it seems to harsh right up front. Also it's a blessing not a miracle. I just need you to bear with me on this. Don't make harsh judgments right away, and just listen for a second. Josh's death was a blessing in my life. DON'T QUIT ON ME JUST YET. First of all, it is a blessing that I would return in a fraction of a heartbeat. I would take my sweet husband back over any of the things I just listed here. I would trade him for any of the growth I have had over the last three years. But I can't. And so I find the good. At the widows conference I attended a while back, we had a speaker who said his wife dying was the best thing that ever happened to him. And maybe that's not the best way of putting it. And maybe calling it a blessing isn't the best way to putting it. But I understood him. I wouldn't say that Josh's death was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I would say that I have been blessed more because of it than any other event in my life.
There are obviously many other blessings and miracles in the tiniest moments of those days that I may never realize or remember. Or others that I do remember, but I'm just not going into it all right now. Every time I write I am afraid of upsetting someone with my words, or saying something the wrong way. But today I needed you all to know how I feel. In this time of trial I am experiencing, I truly want anyone who reads this to know that good can come from anywhere. That joy can be felt always. That "happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." The light is a metaphor, you see? And yes, that quote is from Dumbledore.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
I can teach you to dance, but you have to hear the music.
A year ago this month I was sitting in my house preparing to watch General Conference. I was looking forward to some much needed guidance and comfort from the mouthpieces of the Lord. I had a question in my heart that I was hopeful would be answered at some point in the eight hours of instruction I was about to receive. After months of heartache and confusion, my only question was, "How do I be happy?"
The first talk in the Sunday morning session was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He mentioned many situations that can cause us to be unhappy, including the loss of a spouse and other difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. He then stated,
This year was different, only in that it has been better than I have ever known conference to be. I have already received so much insight and guidance from the speakers. Sister Burton caused me to shed a significant amount of tears as I remembered the amazing example of my husband Josh, and gave me hope for the future that I might find another worthy priesthood holder to go through life with. L. Whitney Clayton reminded me to choose to believe. He said that "if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us." Faith does not act on us, we must act on it. Many talks emphasized the importance of families.
As many of you know, in the second session of General Conference today, during the sustaining of the general authorities, there was a cry of opposition for our dear prophet and the apostles. I was immediately struck with a feeling of shock and anger, even before I fully realized what was going on. It followed with overwhelming sadness and anxiety at this unexpected event. Most importantly, I felt as though the spirit had suddenly fled from me. After all the uplifting messages from the morning, I was feeling lost in my anger. Of course these people have a right to oppose, they have a right to declare that they do not support the prophet, but it was upsetting to hear them yell it in that room that I expected to be full of love and reverence. But ultimately that's all those people were really saying. While we sustain our prophet, and show support for the direction and teachings that he gives, these people choose not to. Okay. That's no problem of mine.
What I did find is that the Lord can make good out of any situation. Because of the outcry, I was more alert, and listened more intently to the rest of the talks. The feeling of the spirit quickly returned to me in full force during Elder Bednar's talk. He reminded me that "Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace," and that through an understanding of the gospel and faith in Him, our fears can be hushed. Elder Wilford advised that we have to "hear the music" and listen for the Holy Ghost. Listen for the confirmation from the Lord. Listen to our loved ones so we may better know how to help them. "We can only displace darkness when we introduce light." We sang "we Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet," and I felt so thankful for these men that lead us. I felt a strong confirmation that they are men of God and I wholeheartedly sustain them.
There are talks from previous conferences that I will always remember. But never have I felt so moved throughout the entire day of listening to the words of our prophets and teachers. I must have suddenly become a better listener. I wish I could properly convey to you how this gospel makes me feel. I wish there were words to explain this feeling in my heart. All I can say is that I have heard truth today, and I am changed because of it.
The first talk in the Sunday morning session was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He mentioned many situations that can cause us to be unhappy, including the loss of a spouse and other difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. He then stated,
That one paragraph would have been enough for me to know that Heavenly Father was looking after me, but the rest of the talk continued to fill me with peace and give me hope and joy for the future. It is a talk that I read over often, any time I need a better outlook on life. I have always looked forward to general conference, because I have always felt better after it.Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.
We can be grateful!
This year was different, only in that it has been better than I have ever known conference to be. I have already received so much insight and guidance from the speakers. Sister Burton caused me to shed a significant amount of tears as I remembered the amazing example of my husband Josh, and gave me hope for the future that I might find another worthy priesthood holder to go through life with. L. Whitney Clayton reminded me to choose to believe. He said that "if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us." Faith does not act on us, we must act on it. Many talks emphasized the importance of families.
As many of you know, in the second session of General Conference today, during the sustaining of the general authorities, there was a cry of opposition for our dear prophet and the apostles. I was immediately struck with a feeling of shock and anger, even before I fully realized what was going on. It followed with overwhelming sadness and anxiety at this unexpected event. Most importantly, I felt as though the spirit had suddenly fled from me. After all the uplifting messages from the morning, I was feeling lost in my anger. Of course these people have a right to oppose, they have a right to declare that they do not support the prophet, but it was upsetting to hear them yell it in that room that I expected to be full of love and reverence. But ultimately that's all those people were really saying. While we sustain our prophet, and show support for the direction and teachings that he gives, these people choose not to. Okay. That's no problem of mine.
What I did find is that the Lord can make good out of any situation. Because of the outcry, I was more alert, and listened more intently to the rest of the talks. The feeling of the spirit quickly returned to me in full force during Elder Bednar's talk. He reminded me that "Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace," and that through an understanding of the gospel and faith in Him, our fears can be hushed. Elder Wilford advised that we have to "hear the music" and listen for the Holy Ghost. Listen for the confirmation from the Lord. Listen to our loved ones so we may better know how to help them. "We can only displace darkness when we introduce light." We sang "we Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet," and I felt so thankful for these men that lead us. I felt a strong confirmation that they are men of God and I wholeheartedly sustain them.
There are talks from previous conferences that I will always remember. But never have I felt so moved throughout the entire day of listening to the words of our prophets and teachers. I must have suddenly become a better listener. I wish I could properly convey to you how this gospel makes me feel. I wish there were words to explain this feeling in my heart. All I can say is that I have heard truth today, and I am changed because of it.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
One year later
A year ago this month I was sitting in my house preparing to watch General Conference. I was looking forward to some much needed guidance and comfort from the mouthpieces of the Lord. I had a question in my heart that I was hopeful would be answered at some point in the eight hours of instruction I was about to receive. After months of heartache and confusion, my only question was, "How do I be happy?"
The first talk in the Sunday morning session was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He mentioned many situations that can cause us to be unhappy, including the loss of a spouse and other difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. He then stated,
This year was different, only in that it has been better than I have ever known conference to be. I have already received so much insight and guidance from the speakers. Sister Burton caused me to shed a significant amount of tears as I remembered the amazing example of my husband Josh, and gave me hope for the future that I might find another worthy priesthood holder to go through life with. L. Whitney Clayton reminded me to choose to believe. He said that "if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us." Faith does not act on us, we must act on it. Many talks emphasized the importance of families.
As many of you know, in the second session of General Conference today, during the sustaining of the general authorities, there was a cry of opposition for our dear prophet and the apostles. I was immediately struck with a feeling of shock and anger, even before I fully realized what was going on. It followed with overwhelming sadness and anxiety at this unexpected event. Most importantly, I felt as though the spirit had suddenly fled from me. After all the uplifting messages from the morning, I was feeling lost in my anger. Of course these people have a right to oppose, they have a right to declare that they do not support the prophet, but it was upsetting to hear them yell it in that room that I expected to be full of love and reverence. But ultimately that's all those people were really saying. While we sustain our prophet, and show support for the direction and teachings that he gives, these people choose not to. Okay. That's no problem of mine.
What I did find is that the Lord can make good out of any situation. Because of the outcry, I was more alert, and listened more intently to the rest of the talks. The feeling of the spirit quickly returned to me in full force during Elder Bednar's talk. He reminded me that "Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace," and that through an understanding of the gospel and faith in Him, our fears can be hushed. Elder Wilford advised that we have to "hear the music" and listen for the Holy Ghost. Listen for the confirmation from the Lord. Listen to our loved ones so we may better know how to help them. "We can only displace darkness when we introduce light." We sang "we Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet," and I felt so thankful for these men that lead us. I felt a strong confirmation that they are men of God and I wholeheartedly sustain them.
There are talks from previous conferences that I will always remember. But never have I felt so moved throughout the entire day of listening to the words of our prophets and teachers. I must have suddenly become a better listener. I wish I could properly convey to you how this gospel makes me feel. I wish there were words to explain this feeling in my heart. All I can say is that I have heard truth today, and I am changed because of it.
The first talk in the Sunday morning session was given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He mentioned many situations that can cause us to be unhappy, including the loss of a spouse and other difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. He then stated,
That one paragraph would have been enough for me to know that Heavenly Father was looking after me, but the rest of the talk continued to fill me with peace and give me hope and joy for the future. It is a talk that I read over often, any time I need a better outlook on life. I have always looked forward to general conference, because I have always felt better after it.Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.
We can be grateful!
This year was different, only in that it has been better than I have ever known conference to be. I have already received so much insight and guidance from the speakers. Sister Burton caused me to shed a significant amount of tears as I remembered the amazing example of my husband Josh, and gave me hope for the future that I might find another worthy priesthood holder to go through life with. L. Whitney Clayton reminded me to choose to believe. He said that "if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us." Faith does not act on us, we must act on it. Many talks emphasized the importance of families.
As many of you know, in the second session of General Conference today, during the sustaining of the general authorities, there was a cry of opposition for our dear prophet and the apostles. I was immediately struck with a feeling of shock and anger, even before I fully realized what was going on. It followed with overwhelming sadness and anxiety at this unexpected event. Most importantly, I felt as though the spirit had suddenly fled from me. After all the uplifting messages from the morning, I was feeling lost in my anger. Of course these people have a right to oppose, they have a right to declare that they do not support the prophet, but it was upsetting to hear them yell it in that room that I expected to be full of love and reverence. But ultimately that's all those people were really saying. While we sustain our prophet, and show support for the direction and teachings that he gives, these people choose not to. Okay. That's no problem of mine.
What I did find is that the Lord can make good out of any situation. Because of the outcry, I was more alert, and listened more intently to the rest of the talks. The feeling of the spirit quickly returned to me in full force during Elder Bednar's talk. He reminded me that "Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace," and that through an understanding of the gospel and faith in Him, our fears can be hushed. Elder Wilford advised that we have to "hear the music" and listen for the Holy Ghost. Listen for the confirmation from the Lord. Listen to our loved ones so we may better know how to help them. "We can only displace darkness when we introduce light." We sang "we Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet," and I felt so thankful for these men that lead us. I felt a strong confirmation that they are men of God and I wholeheartedly sustain them.
There are talks from previous conferences that I will always remember. But never have I felt so moved throughout the entire day of listening to the words of our prophets and teachers. I must have suddenly become a better listener. I wish I could properly convey to you how this gospel makes me feel. I wish there were words to explain this feeling in my heart. All I can say is that I have heard truth today, and I am changed because of it.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The thoughts I have while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is one of the best shows on Disney Junior because obviously. But it certainly brings up more questions than it answers. Here are the thoughts I have on the reg while I watch it:
How come Donald is the only one who says "present!" during roll call?
Sometimes I get frustrated when they ask dumb questions.
How come in that one episode when they were looking for something purple, they didn't just snatch the bow off Daisy's head? SHE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE.
Donald has an Uncle Scrooge, and Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Donald's nephews. Where are anybody's parents?? And how does Ludwig von Drake fit into any of this?
When are Minnie and Mickey gonna give in and get married already?
How do they have slides that go up?
How come Donald is the only one who doesn't wear shoes? Is it because of his big flipper feet? Wait, doesn't Daisy have big flipper feet??
Now I'm thinking about how painful it is for Daisy to walk around all day with those big flipper feet shoved in those heels. Get some comfier shoes, girl.
Wait, Pete is a CAT???
I don't understand how they're just revealing that information now. Pete looks nothing like a cat. He's bigger than Goofy! That is one fat cat.
Goofy! It's called a MOUSKETOOL. Not a mousketowel or mouskewhatsits. You are stumbling over literally the easiest part of that word to remember.
What if they got to the Mystery Mousketool, and they needed to get over a bridge or something, and they got a banana? Like why is it always so perfectly helpful all the time?
How do they just have a baby elephant hanging around all the time to be one of the Mousketools? Does he fit in the tool box? Where is his mother? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THIS BABY ELEPHANT. Set him free, Mickey!
Donald was just swimming and he was wearing swim trunks, but now he changed and is only wearing that shirt thing. I don't get his style.
Minnie turns her feet impossibly far during the hot dog dance.
I want to live in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
This is the best show.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Come what may, and do what now?
Last night, I had the opportunity to see Sutton Foster perform at BYU. For those who don't know, Sutton Foster is a Broadway babe, who also recently starred on the ABCfamily show Bunheads. She is crazy talented, sweet and charming, funny, and was just delightful. I love music so much, I love Broadway music so much, but I got a new found appreciation for both after seeing her perform. Beautiful.
Sutton (let's pretend we're on a first name basis) brought along with her another Broadway star, Megan McGinnis. They performed in Little Women together, and their voices sounded so amazing together.
Megan sang a song from her new musical, "Daddy Long Legs" and talked about it a little bit beforehand. It's the story of an orphan girl, who is sent to college by an anonymous benefactor, and his only request for her to continue going is to write him a letter each month chronicling her life there. The song she sang comes after a particularly bad day, and she quoted a line from the play that struck me right in the soul:
The words so quickly went from ears to my heart, that I barely had time to figure out why. It wasn't until this morning, when I was still thinking about them, that I asked myself why. Thinking about everything that I've had to deal with, and the "crushing tragedy" that I had faced, I wondered if I even believed this sentiment at all.
But I find truth in it, and I find strength from it. In retrospect, it was relatively easy to convince myself that things would be okay after Josh passed. I know that we will see each other, and I even know that he is watching over us just as much as he can. That doesn't mean that it isn't still hard every day though, and I guess that's kind of the point. We can get these big, meaningful answers to big meaningful questions, but the day to day trials can seem so frustrating when we're in them.
I remember packing to go to Disneyland with the Robisons in March, and I couldn't find something small that I needed, like a shirt or something, and at the time it made me so angry. I was yelling to nobody about how unfair it was. "Really?! After everything I've been through!! I can't just find my stupid shirt without tearing this room apart?!?!" It all seems very silly now, but it was a big deal to me when it was happening. And even now, sometimes I catch myself (or more likely, my loved ones catch me) being grouchy or rude, and ask me what's up, and I can't even give an answer. I sit there and think about it and realize I'm being a jerk without even feeling any kind of malice toward anyone or anything. I'm just annoyed because I want to change the channel, but the remote is next to the television.
My favorite joke these days, especially when I'm getting particularly worked up over something, is to say "This is the WORST THING that's ever happened to me." It makes people give me funny looks, and it makes me remember that spilling juice on my shirt is far from tragic.
I would like to be the kind of person who can meet the petty hazards of the day with a laugh. To have that spirit that not only says that I can do hard things, but I can deal with annoying things, and I can do it with a smile on my face.
Sutton (let's pretend we're on a first name basis) brought along with her another Broadway star, Megan McGinnis. They performed in Little Women together, and their voices sounded so amazing together.
Megan sang a song from her new musical, "Daddy Long Legs" and talked about it a little bit beforehand. It's the story of an orphan girl, who is sent to college by an anonymous benefactor, and his only request for her to continue going is to write him a letter each month chronicling her life there. The song she sang comes after a particularly bad day, and she quoted a line from the play that struck me right in the soul:
"It isn't the big troubles in life that require character. Anybody can rise to a crisis and face a crushing tragedy with courage, but to meet the petty hazards of the day with a laugh—I really think that requires spirit."
The words so quickly went from ears to my heart, that I barely had time to figure out why. It wasn't until this morning, when I was still thinking about them, that I asked myself why. Thinking about everything that I've had to deal with, and the "crushing tragedy" that I had faced, I wondered if I even believed this sentiment at all.
But I find truth in it, and I find strength from it. In retrospect, it was relatively easy to convince myself that things would be okay after Josh passed. I know that we will see each other, and I even know that he is watching over us just as much as he can. That doesn't mean that it isn't still hard every day though, and I guess that's kind of the point. We can get these big, meaningful answers to big meaningful questions, but the day to day trials can seem so frustrating when we're in them.
I remember packing to go to Disneyland with the Robisons in March, and I couldn't find something small that I needed, like a shirt or something, and at the time it made me so angry. I was yelling to nobody about how unfair it was. "Really?! After everything I've been through!! I can't just find my stupid shirt without tearing this room apart?!?!" It all seems very silly now, but it was a big deal to me when it was happening. And even now, sometimes I catch myself (or more likely, my loved ones catch me) being grouchy or rude, and ask me what's up, and I can't even give an answer. I sit there and think about it and realize I'm being a jerk without even feeling any kind of malice toward anyone or anything. I'm just annoyed because I want to change the channel, but the remote is next to the television.
My favorite joke these days, especially when I'm getting particularly worked up over something, is to say "This is the WORST THING that's ever happened to me." It makes people give me funny looks, and it makes me remember that spilling juice on my shirt is far from tragic.
I would like to be the kind of person who can meet the petty hazards of the day with a laugh. To have that spirit that not only says that I can do hard things, but I can deal with annoying things, and I can do it with a smile on my face.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Everything doesn't not happen for a reason
So the other night I had a bit of a meltdown. *She says in the most casual way she knows how.*
This wonderful family that we knew in Maryland came to visit. They are lovely and it was lovely and I am really glad they came. Their cute mama is from the Philippines, and talking to her was so fun for me. I tried to remember everything I had learned about the Philippines and relate to her the things I remembered that Josh liked and he had shown me. He always had and I'm sure still has an enormous love for Filipinos, and I have grown to love them too.
She shared experiences with me that gave me immense hope that Logan will feel his dad with him his whole life.
She also brought with her some jackfruit, which comes from the Philippines. I had never heard of it, and never tried it. And I didn't know if Josh had ever tried it, or if he had, whether or not he liked it. And that infuriated me. Not because I didn't know, but because I couldn't know. It's such a simple thing, but I will never, in this lifetime, be able to ask him if he likes jackfruit. I will just never know. I would guess that he has tried it. But I don't know how he felt about it, and I just won't know for certain.
In this modern age of technology with the smart phones and the Facebooks, I can contact pretty much anyone I want from around the globe. It is increasingly frustrating to me that Angelbook is not a thing. I do believe that I will always feel his influence in some way or another in my life, and so will Logan, and many people point that out, and I appreciate the thought, I really do, but IT IS NOT THE SAME.
It's not really about the fruit in the end. That was just the tipping point. In reality, it's about the every day things I wonder about that are bigger than that. Does he feel like I'm being a good mom to our son? When he gets older, will he approve of the way I try to raise him. I was always looking forward to his input as a parent, and now I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up on my own.
SO here's another thing. See how I just smoothly switched topics all sneaky-like?
I have been very lucky in that nobody has ever told me "Everything happens for a reason." At least nobody that I remember. Maybe I just blocked it out. Because it's not an incredibly helpful thing to say. It doesn't make you go, "Oh okay, in that case everything's fine LA DEE DAAAAA." And then you merrily skip away, obviously. No, no it doesn't do that. For the most part it just makes you angry. Because what is it? What is the reason? If you can't tell me that, then don't even start.
HOWEVER. Many people in my life have vehemently held by the opposite opinion that things don't really happen for a reason. And I don't really get that either. I wish I could say I even understood what it means, although at times I have felt a little better about it than its alternative. But it doesn't actually make sense to me, and it's not really something that I accept.
Despite the fact that I don't ever want anybody to point it out to me, I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason. Maybe not everything. Maybe not the tiny little things, and I mean, we have agency on this earth, so we can choose to do things and it doesn't mean there is a grand, eternal reason behind them ...
Moving on.
The BIG things happen for a reason. That's what I believe is true. That's what I have to believe.
If there isn't a reason for Josh dying, then he didn't need to die. And yes, I also have to believe that he needed to die. I believe that if I can't sit around with him and ask him whether he has tried jackfruit, or what to do when Logan lies to me, it's because he had something important to do. (Not more important. Just important.) Otherwise, what's even the point? Why would a healthy, 24-year-old who literally just became a father, be needed so badly on the other side? I don't know. I will never know. But in order for me to make any sense of it, I have to know that he was needed. I have to know in my heart that there was a reason, or the earth is just a colossal waste of time.
And it's not a colossal waste of time.
Thank you for listening, have a picture of my son playing with bath bubbles.
This wonderful family that we knew in Maryland came to visit. They are lovely and it was lovely and I am really glad they came. Their cute mama is from the Philippines, and talking to her was so fun for me. I tried to remember everything I had learned about the Philippines and relate to her the things I remembered that Josh liked and he had shown me. He always had and I'm sure still has an enormous love for Filipinos, and I have grown to love them too.
She shared experiences with me that gave me immense hope that Logan will feel his dad with him his whole life.
She also brought with her some jackfruit, which comes from the Philippines. I had never heard of it, and never tried it. And I didn't know if Josh had ever tried it, or if he had, whether or not he liked it. And that infuriated me. Not because I didn't know, but because I couldn't know. It's such a simple thing, but I will never, in this lifetime, be able to ask him if he likes jackfruit. I will just never know. I would guess that he has tried it. But I don't know how he felt about it, and I just won't know for certain.
In this modern age of technology with the smart phones and the Facebooks, I can contact pretty much anyone I want from around the globe. It is increasingly frustrating to me that Angelbook is not a thing. I do believe that I will always feel his influence in some way or another in my life, and so will Logan, and many people point that out, and I appreciate the thought, I really do, but IT IS NOT THE SAME.
It's not really about the fruit in the end. That was just the tipping point. In reality, it's about the every day things I wonder about that are bigger than that. Does he feel like I'm being a good mom to our son? When he gets older, will he approve of the way I try to raise him. I was always looking forward to his input as a parent, and now I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up on my own.
SO here's another thing. See how I just smoothly switched topics all sneaky-like?
I have been very lucky in that nobody has ever told me "Everything happens for a reason." At least nobody that I remember. Maybe I just blocked it out. Because it's not an incredibly helpful thing to say. It doesn't make you go, "Oh okay, in that case everything's fine LA DEE DAAAAA." And then you merrily skip away, obviously. No, no it doesn't do that. For the most part it just makes you angry. Because what is it? What is the reason? If you can't tell me that, then don't even start.
HOWEVER. Many people in my life have vehemently held by the opposite opinion that things don't really happen for a reason. And I don't really get that either. I wish I could say I even understood what it means, although at times I have felt a little better about it than its alternative. But it doesn't actually make sense to me, and it's not really something that I accept.
Despite the fact that I don't ever want anybody to point it out to me, I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason. Maybe not everything. Maybe not the tiny little things, and I mean, we have agency on this earth, so we can choose to do things and it doesn't mean there is a grand, eternal reason behind them ...
Moving on.
The BIG things happen for a reason. That's what I believe is true. That's what I have to believe.
If there isn't a reason for Josh dying, then he didn't need to die. And yes, I also have to believe that he needed to die. I believe that if I can't sit around with him and ask him whether he has tried jackfruit, or what to do when Logan lies to me, it's because he had something important to do. (Not more important. Just important.) Otherwise, what's even the point? Why would a healthy, 24-year-old who literally just became a father, be needed so badly on the other side? I don't know. I will never know. But in order for me to make any sense of it, I have to know that he was needed. I have to know in my heart that there was a reason, or the earth is just a colossal waste of time.
And it's not a colossal waste of time.
Thank you for listening, have a picture of my son playing with bath bubbles.
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