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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Everything doesn't not happen for a reason

So the other night I had a bit of a meltdown. *She says in the most casual way she knows how.*

This wonderful family that we knew in Maryland came to visit. They are lovely and it was lovely and I am really glad they came. Their cute mama is from the Philippines, and talking to her was so fun for me. I tried to remember everything I had learned about the Philippines and relate to her the things I remembered that Josh liked and he had shown me. He always had and I'm sure still has an enormous love for Filipinos, and I have grown to love them too.

She shared experiences with me that gave me immense hope that Logan will feel his dad with him his whole life.

She also brought with her some jackfruit, which comes from the Philippines. I had never heard of it, and never tried it. And I didn't know if Josh had ever tried it, or if he had, whether or not he liked it. And that infuriated me. Not because I didn't know, but because I couldn't know. It's such a simple thing, but I will never, in this lifetime, be able to ask him if he likes jackfruit. I will just never know. I would guess that he has tried it. But I don't know how he felt about it, and I just won't know for certain.

In this modern age of technology with the smart phones and the Facebooks, I can contact pretty much anyone I want from around the globe. It is increasingly frustrating to me that Angelbook is not a thing. I do believe that I will always feel his influence in some way or another in my life, and so will Logan, and many people point that out, and I appreciate the thought, I really do, but IT IS NOT THE SAME.

It's not really about the fruit in the end. That was just the tipping point. In reality, it's about the every day things I wonder about that are bigger than that. Does he feel like I'm being a good mom to our son? When he gets older, will he approve of the way I try to raise him. I was always looking forward to his input as a parent, and now I'm terrified I'm going to mess it up on my own.

SO here's another thing. See how I just smoothly switched topics all sneaky-like?

I have been very lucky in that nobody has ever told me "Everything happens for a reason." At least nobody that I remember. Maybe I just blocked it out. Because it's not an incredibly helpful thing to say. It doesn't make you go, "Oh okay, in that case everything's fine LA DEE DAAAAA." And then you merrily skip away, obviously. No, no it doesn't do that. For the most part it just makes you angry. Because what is it? What is the reason? If you can't tell me that, then don't even start.

HOWEVER. Many people in my life have vehemently held by the opposite opinion that things don't really happen for a reason. And I don't really get that either. I wish I could say I even understood what it means, although at times I have felt a little better about it than its alternative. But it doesn't actually make sense to me, and it's not really something that I accept.

Despite the fact that I don't ever want anybody to point it out to me, I have to believe that everything does happen for a reason. Maybe not everything. Maybe not the tiny little things, and I mean, we have agency on this earth, so we can choose to do things and it doesn't mean there is a grand, eternal reason behind them ...

Moving on.

The BIG things happen for a reason. That's what I believe is true. That's what I have to believe.

If there isn't a reason for Josh dying, then he didn't need to die. And yes, I also have to believe that he needed to die. I believe that if I can't sit around with him and ask him whether he has tried jackfruit, or what to do when Logan lies to me, it's because he had something important to do. (Not more important. Just important.) Otherwise, what's even the point? Why would a healthy, 24-year-old who literally just became a father, be needed so badly on the other side? I don't know. I will never know. But in order for me to make any sense of it, I have to know that he was needed. I have to know in my heart that there was a reason, or the earth is just a colossal waste of time.

And it's not a colossal waste of time.

Thank you for listening, have a picture of my son playing with bath bubbles.